Hozhoni: The Cancer Glamazon

You Don't Have to Go Through This Alone

2011-09-29T17:07:00.001-07:00

I was contacted by David Haas who is an advocate of cancer support groups and requested that I post an article written by him to share with those out there who may feel like they are alone on this cancer battle. Well, my dear comrades, I want you to know that this is not a losing battle and definitely not a battle to be taken on by yourself. Know that there are plenty of support groups and connections you can get involved with. We are a community and we don't have to do this alone. :) Below you will find David's article.

Cancer Support Groups offer Hope and Knowledge

There are Cancer Support Groups all over this country, which can be of great benefit to anyone diagnosed with cancer. These groups offer a balance in one’s mind that can create camaraderie and renew the energy it takes to fight this awful disease. There are cancer groups for all types of cancers from extremely common diseases such as skin cancer to the very rare and deadly diseases like mesothelioma. These groups offer hope and empower individuals together to battle this disease with all of their willpower and energy.

They offer hope

Patients usually feel more comfortable when they are surrounded by other people whom are going through the same situation. It is empowering to hear inspiring stories of hope, perseverance and courage. This type of support goes a long way for cancer patients, mentally and physically. By having hope, cancer patients can become optimistic about their condition, which may in turn improve their work, relationships and even health by creating a new sense of energy which can help fight the negative effects of the medicine during treatments.

They offer knowledge

Being in a doctor's office and trying to digest the information he gives you can be difficult for many people. Aside from confusing terminology, many cancer patients are already feeling anxious about their condition, and a doctor’s office is not typically a relaxing environment. The uneasy patients will have a hard time focusing and digesting the information they are given.

However, support groups not only help patients understand the information they misunderstood, but they also offer advice that only other cancer patients can give. Patients in remission can offer valuable advice to new patients just going through treatment.

They are therapeutic

Having the chance to talk about your fears and anxiety is therapeutic. Studies show that people who are given the chance to talk to someone about their fears usually feel relaxed and at ease about their situation afterwards.

Cancer support groups resemble counseling sessions except there are no professionals trying to offer words of encouragement. What patients receive is genuine concern and advice from other people in their situation. This type of experience is invaluable and a critical aspect of the healing and acceptance stage.

By: David Haas

Hozhoni: Cancer Glamazon Honored Hero Speech

2011-03-28T10:37:00.000-07:00

3 Years and I'm Still Breathing!!!!

2011-02-24T12:17:00.000-08:00

So Tuesday night's Remission Celebration went off like Katy Perry's Firework song! First I want to give praises to The One Most High as I said, he's keeping me around for a reason and I know it's more than just gracing you all with my presence! Importantly, we're all here on this Earth, each of us with our given destinies, so go out there and make an impact. I'm not saying go and find a cure for cancer, as that would be beyond phenomenal, but be bold, daring, vivid opportunists. Our time here on Earth is really limited so make the most of every moment.

Which is why I'm sooooo thankful for Feb 22, not only because it marks another year for me being cancer-free but it reminds me that I am still here, living AND breathing, and I have a fruitful life where I'm truly blessed with stable health, giving an uplifting & hopeful countenance, paired with an exuberant personality, joined with loyal, majestic, supportive family and friends.

I clearly had a blast with each and every one of you. I look forward to spending more QT with you all. And as my strength and health and faith grows stronger, I too know my relationships with you all with grow ever more brawny. Now that isFFFFFIIIIIIEEEERRRRRRCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! *pointer finger waving back & forth

Just as I am madly in love with life, I am madly in love with you all! Thank you all for being there with me both in the flesh and in person! *butterfly kisses

Give Credit where Credits Due

2010-02-28T16:22:00.001-08:00

So I recently celebrated my 2nd year anniversary of being cancer free on February 22. I want to say thank you to everyone that came out to my remission party. I wasn't expecting that big a turn out so apologies for Dick's being a dick by not accommodating a party of our size. Anyway, I do wholeheartedly thank each and every one of you for making it out. I appreciate the sentiment and it means a lot seeing your faces there for the celebration. During these past two years I've slowly but surely have gotten rid of my dyke-ass hair. Yes, I do plan on growing it back to its former bombshell vixen state. I've also rekindled some long lost friendships; I am sooooo elated that you all are back in my life and I promise that I won't ever let go this time around. Plus I've also developed a lot of new friendships that I am looking forward to cultivating as time rolls by.

Not meaning to put a damper on this, but nearly exactly a year ago I was wretchedly sick and hospitalized for a month and bedridden for an additional month. I had pneumonia, anemia and a 22 cm tumor growing in my retro-peritoneum. I was so sick I thought that it was the end of my existence. I only bring this up because it's imperative to live your life the way YOU want to live it. Out of anyone I SHOULD DEFINITELY know this, especially having to deal with two separate chronic illnesses (someone OBVIOUSLY wants me dead, but TELEGRAM: Drag me by my heels, I AIN'T GOING ANYWHERE). With that said, it's essential that you be kind. Be friendly. Quit stressing &/or making a big deal out of things--it's NOT worth it. Know who your true friends are. Don't take them for granted. Your family, whether by blood or by bond, will always be there for you. It's vital that you surround yourself with people who will build you up and multiply your worth and happiness. Which is one reason why I continue to surround myself with you all. Return the favor and build people up genuinely. Quoting one of my favorite movies: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

So thank you for helping me celebrate another year of me breathing and living to torment your lives for yet another day!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)

<3>GOT NUTTHIN BUT LOVE FOR YOU, BABES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3>

Please check out pics from my remission party on the link below!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=149702&id=647574378&l=de21b6beec

I also want to update everyone on the status of my CT scans. I had them done on the 19th and got the results this past Friday. I am delighted to inform all of you that I am indeed still cancer-less. There is no evidence of the cancer. PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!! In addition, for those that are aware of my LAM disease, the Afinitor is working!!!!! My tumors that caused me great trauma last year have shrunk significantly!!!!! One tumor, the largest, shrunk 5 cms!!!!!! When Dr. G gave me the good news I couldn't even contain my happiness..........and relief! This medication does NOT come cheap. Plus, it's also experimental. I definitely was taking a risk by taking this medication as it works for some LAM patients and not in others. I am sooooooooooooooooo alleviated to know that there is SOMETHING out there that works in finding a cure (soon hopefully) or remedy to LAM. This disease does not get enough attention so it's hard to get the needed research. I am glad to know that the Afinitor is doing something positive in my body. My lungs still have the cysts, however there were no significant changes. In addition, there was no evidence of pleural effusion. BIG BIG relief!!!!

Because of this FABULOUS NEWS I now feel even more alive and I don't feel so limited as I did!!!!! I want to take up more physical activities to keep my lungs and body healthy. And NOOOOOOOOOO PARTYING IT UP Vegas Style does not count! LOL

I am very disheartened though that Dr. G will be leaving. He's going back to NYC. It totally breaks my heart. He is one of the best oncologists alive. And I'm not being bias. He's an amazing man and I'm going to miss him fondly. He has been taking very good care of me and my health that the thought of seeing someone new freaks me out. I feel like I'm breaking up. Or having to find a new hair dresser. You develop such a relationship and trust, it's hard to let go. But I'm assured that I still have my other G, and that G is God. He'll still continue to take care of me. I mean check out my latest scans!!!!! He's obviously working in me! So again PRAISE GOD!

As I said in Cincinnati after meeting with Dr. McCormack:

TODAY IS A GREAT DAY TO BREATHE.

Honored Hero Speech

2009-11-24T13:28:00.000-08:00

I received the esteemed honor as the Honored Teammate for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team In Training team. Annually the Team in Training team registers, trains, and participates in a given marathon while raising funds for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. This year's marathon is the Disney Princess, which will be held in Orlando inside Walt Disney World on March 6, 2010.

As the Honored Teammate I was asked to share my story of overcoming the wretched chronic disease, lymphoma.

I hope my story serves as an inspiration that even in your darkest moments you will LIVE, LOVE, and OVERCOME.

Dedicated to those who made it out to hear me speak and those who have been CONSTANT supporters. As I looked into the camera, I was looking dead at you because I really would do it for you a thousand times over.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcvnGPg6Kn4

When Boredom Comes In Handy

2009-10-14T00:10:00.000-07:00

Reaching maximum boredom in my current full-time vacationer job, I decided to Google myself. Since Googling my name brought up too many other Sharon Andres 's I a became Super Sleuth and added Las Vegas. Low and behold my Facebook profile came up, Linkd profile, and this link.

http://www.preparetolive.org/html/resources/profiles/sharon.html

I totally forgot that I was featured on their website. I'm sure that I probably blogged about it years back when I was first diagnosed but wow. What a difference two years make. I can't believe that I was going through what I was going through back then. And to miraculously be in the current state I am. It is just the surge I need right now.

I am definitely undergoing a quarter-life crisis and reading that link just gave me the motivation to regroup and refocus on my life again.

Finally my boredom amounted to something.

Hey There -- Long Time No See!

2009-10-05T00:28:00.000-07:00

Wow I know that I have neglected updating on my blog. That's due to having yet again ANOTHER rough, arduous year. I'll document all that later because for now I want to recognize one positive, monumental event in my life thus far: Light The Night 2009. The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society (Southern NV Chapter) held its annual Light The Night walk this past October 3, 2009. I had the extreme delight to be recognized as one of the Honored Heroes!!!! It was extremely flattering and such an honor. I shared this recognition with fellow cancer survivors Brennen Doran and Bill Godwin.

Me and my Clan of W's did the 1.6 mile Light the Night walk where we literally lit the night!!!! It was super windy but guess that adds to the drama! :)

I would like to recognize all those that were charitable and donated. Your altruistic deed will go far in helping those still suffering from blood cancers and it definitely will bring us one step closer to the ultimate goal: finding a cure. For all cancer badasses and babes, cancer conquerors, and in memory of ..... we THANK YOU.

THANK YOU WHOLEHEARTEDLY to those of you who made it out to LTN. It truly meant the world to me that your presence was there as it not only defines you as a person but it defines you in my heart. I greatly appreciate the support; you are all wonderful and exceptionally compassionate individuals. In such a busy world we live in it's so easy for us to get caught up in it and forget what's meaningful. Seeing all your smiling faces, hearing your boisterous laughs and feeling your warm embraces around me let's me know that I am still one BLESSED CANCER VIXEN, well....one former Cancer Vixen. lol I'm really really lucky to still be here and a part of your lives.

I also want to do my own recognition by calling out Pia, one of my For Life Besties. I don't think I could ever fully express how much you mean to me and how fortunate I am to have you in my life. Although you live in SD and we make every effort we can to see each other as often as we can, I'm very gleeful that you have been there for my remission anniversary brunch and you were here for me at LTN 09. Most importantly you stayed by my side -- literally, the majority of the event. You've always been my rock and just know that I'm here because of you. Antonette gave out personalized goodies to those donating $25 and above. She's always going above and beyond for others to show that she cares, an indelible quality of her. She's a fabulous and stunning Big Sis I'm so lucky to have. And lastly, Zaim the Legend known as Z, donated the most to the Clan of W, making us reach our donation goal instantly! Charitable and dreammmmmy!!!

Please check out the remaining photos of LTN 2009 at:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=111662&id=647574378&l=36e2a03fe7

Although I did not get to tell my cancer story at LTN 2009 I did get to tell it back in May during a corporate breakfast. This was the first time I ever publicly told my story so I was definitely jittery. Minutes before I needed to speak, I was about to back out and say I could not do it. I knew that it was joke-laden. And I'm former Corporate--reputed to be "squares". Would they be receiving of it? As I approached the podium, all the sweaty palms and heart palpitations faded instantaneously. It dawned on me: I LOVE sharing my story! So let's rock it out! As I began to speak, I knew the first joke was in seconds....and the response was laughter! *phew Knowing that the crowd was comfortable with me, I really let "me" shine through with all the verbal communications of hand gestures, inflections, and facial expressions. When I was done and sat back at my table, people were coming up to me and giving me hugs and congratulating me. They were telling me that I needed to hit the road with my speech as it was full of hilarity and emotion. A handful even told me that they were touched and that they will remember me. I knew what kind of impact my cancer story had on loved ones but at that exact moment I realized what kind of impact it could have on complete strangers. And it moved me. This is how the world operates. And if you could affect one to 50 individuals imagine what kind of impact you can have on millions! This is definitely our quest, cancer patients and cancer survivors and for those in memory of....A CURE. One day there will be one. I know for my specific cancer it's coming close...real close. And hopefully some day there will be a cure for all deadly diseases, like LAM (lymphangoleiomyomatosis).

Anyway, I know that my campaigners/supporters wanted to hear the speech So I have included it here.

Good Morning everyone! My name is Sharon Andres and I am a cancer survivor. CANCER SURVIVOR. Never ever in the chronicles of my life did I think I would utter those words. "Cancer survivor".......

I've survived mid-terms, car crashes, unemployment, heartaches and heartbreaks, I've even survived fashion faux paus! But cancer....would I be able to survive that?

Prior to being diagnosed I was your typical Vegas Girl. Living fast and loose. Superior. Unstoppable. Immortal. It was a rainy September afternoon when I received the phone call confirming my lymphoma. It felt like I was free falling into Dante's Inferno. My world turned upside down. What was going to happen to me? How did I get this? Am I that evil a person? Are people going to treat me differently now that I'm the Cancer Girl? So many thoughts swirled my head.

After the anger and denial I finally came to the realization that I'm not superior, unstoppable, immortal.

And that I have a choice. Do I choose to succumb to the cancer? No way. I chose that this Hodgkin's Lymphoma succumb to me.

So as a coping mechanism, I assumed an alter ego. A super hero cancer fighting goddess known as Hozhoni: The Cancer Glamazon. And she had Cancer Babe Mercenaries known as the Fox Force Four. Together the five stomped evil cancer cells with their stiletto heels. (insert kung-fu chop)

In reality I did have a Fox Force Four: ABVD. Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine, and Decarbazine. These were the four chemotherapy drugs used to treat my lymphoma.

Speaking of chemotherapy, I would imagine my therapy sessions as my chemo cocktail hour or coffee break because as my nurses would tell me. I needed every drop of my chemo. So like Maxwell House Coffee, "It's good to til the last drop."

And contributing in the fight against cancer was my hunky oncologist, Dr. Matthew Galsky. So plug for Dr. G over at the Comprehensive Cancer Centers of NV - Central location. (insert "Alright Dr. Galsky! Whoop whoop!) He made going to the cancer center every week easy.

Cancer has irony. I would religiously slather on sunscreen, and I still do, to take preventative measures on not getting cancer. (insert smirk) And I lost all my hair on my head but I still had all the hair under my arms and on my legs. (insert hands on hips and head roll) Speaking of hair, I got two wigs: a short style and a long style.

[I then talked about my wig swap story with Marita, my beautiful supporting cousin]

With that said, I think it's important to have some degree of fun with a calamity like this. It's great to have a camaraderie to help you get through, which was one of the reasons why I joined the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Not only have they assisted me financially by helping me pay co-pays and medical prescriptions, but the Society has helped me cope with the cancer.

I have participated in Light the Night for the past two years now in which my team, the Clan of W, raised $2300 for the Society. As a matter of fact, one of my walkers aided in getting a Corporate sponsorship from Ameristar Casinos this year.

I've attended numerous events held by LLS and got to meet fellow survivors and got to share scar, portacath, and side effects stories with. This past February I had brunch with a few friends to celebrate a year in remission. Looking back I'm glad that I had cancer in that it's a testament to my faith and strength. Strength that I thought I didn't have.

It shone light on the resilience that exists within me.

And I am proud to utter CANCER SURVIVOR. I wear my scars like badges of courage. And I'm a part of an exclusive club.

Boxing Match

2008-12-09T20:22:00.000-08:00

This week has been an interesting one in that I was in both the cities that I am interested in moving to. I have been duking it out back and forth between Seattle and Denver for the past four months. I was in Denver for a week for work and I immediately flew into Seattle that following weekend. It was interesting to see both cities back to back. Everyone knows that I pretty much have my eye set on Denver but after dealing with the treacherous road conditions due to the weather (snow) it’s making me reconsider. I know that I would (predominately) be dealing with the snow during the winter months but I just don’t know if I want to get used to that. But it’s so beautiful there. I could imagine me sliding across four lanes of icy freeway yet saying, “Man, it’s so beautiful outside,”

Anyway, Seattle is equally beautiful. When I saw Mt Rainier I was in awe. It was so majestic. There was something more captivating about it than the Rockies. And there’s enough social activity there to keep me occupied. Although I had a very limited time to divide among three separate friendships, I was able to make it work and spend time with all of them. It made me appreciate my friendships with each and every one of them and it was very heartwarming knowing how much I value them and it excited me knowing that there will be future memories to make with them. Dean, Janet, Misty and Cherie: They all really mean a lot to me and I’m glad that I have them in my life.

Although I do love my girlfriends in Denver dearly, my Seattle friends really know me. And one girlfriend who REALLY knows me, Richelle, just knowing that she is going back there also made me consider Seattle more.

This is such a tough match-up. But like Manny Pacquiao against De La Hoya, Seattle won this round.

It's My Anniversary

2008-09-22T17:47:00.000-07:00

A year ago I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Life as I knew it would never be the same........or would it? As my faithful bloggers would know I went through a very extremely ROUGH ARDUOUS 12 months. Yes I made the best of it trying to make as many smiles and laughter as I possibly could but it was tough....and it was draining.

My year-in-review since then.....I don't know if I've changed. I've been pushed and I've been beaten and lynched that sometimes I feel like I don't even exist. Or that my existence during all my cancer struggle was all just another "performance." Wow...COMPLETE 360 of my ENTIRE blog but I haven't been well. I'll be BRUTALLY UTTERLY honest.

Having the cancer gave me something to focus on. It gave me the direction. TO JUST LIVE. Fight for my life. My life is worth it. But now that the fight is over and my label of Cancer Patient can be removed, sometimes I feel what do I stand for now?

I've talked with Dr. G about it and if I'm just going through a "postpartum depression" and he said that it's possible. He mentioned the anxiety that patients feel because they've been taken cared of and they get used to the routine (which I mentioned in a previous blog about how I was going to miss everyone and it was like graduating from HS.) And medically, rigorous treatments such as cancer treatments can screw up someone's thyroid causing them to be chemically imbalanced.

I've been seeing a therapist....it's gotten that bad. And that's what scared me to finally see a therapist. I just couldn't go back to how I was prior to my diagnosis. I couldn't be suicidal again. I mean--WHY did I have to go through what I went to both mentally and physically, WHY did I have to survive to only feel more and more like nothing..........WHY am I standing here today? I didn't NEED to endure any of that...........I did NOT survive just to continue to have a non-existing life.

Lately I've refocused and I've regrouped. A year later. A bloody year later. I don't mean to make my life seem trivial; I have a COPIOUS assortment of life time stamps under my belt. But now I have more drive, more desire to move on with my life. I really want to make a difference. I really want to be able to reach out to people. I really want to make life meaningful. "I'm talking to the man in the mirror!! I'm askin' him to change his ways!!!!!!!!!!!!" (C'mon sing with me now! :) )

God is leaving me here for something........and I need to figure it out.

Curtains Down!

2008-07-15T21:22:00.000-07:00

So on the 9th I got my most prized possession removed. No not my boobs. But my mediport. My lifeline finally got yanked outta my Vena Cava. I've been waiting for this moment because that symbolized that I officially no longer have cancer because I don't need my chemo dispenser!!!!! I was so invigorated!!!! Now everyone can go back to staring at my other bumps and not that bump.

My cancer saga---the final act---the grand finale!!!! With that........the curtain draws down......

Me mediport-free and hair a-growin!!! Hmmmm.....I think that'll be the new blog saga, As My Hair Grows.

Play by Play

2008-07-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

I know that it has been AGES since I've updated ANYONE on anything. I have been E X T R E M E L Y busy these past couple of months and now I can finally catch everyone up on everything. I still hope that people still check up on my blog. I will definitely alert everyone if I no longer plan to update this blog. Possibly start a new one, eh? My memoirs perhaps! :)

Anyway, let's try and catch everyone up shall we? Here are some bite-size morsels to quell your appetite.

May 10 - Sharon's Stayin Alive Cancer Free Party!!!!

I threw my cancer free bash and it had a disco theme. Hence the Stayin Alive! It was an event to remember. I had a MC and performers, which included The Legend known as Ali Kat (the MC) and dancing by Nicole, cheerleading by Racquel, and singing by Erin. My giveaways were LP records that Maricel assisted and worked very hard on---this party definitely shone light on the fact that I'm a Nazi Micro Manager. (I'd be a perfect Russian or German or Italian dictator.) There was a total of four different LP records. The above is just a sample of what was there. I even had two slideshows. One that ran continuously throughout the party of pictures with family and friends and supporters. Then there was the presentation slideshow, which I will somehow try to add to this blog eventually as it as a very good one. This slideshow detailed out my journey through cancer and the eventual overcoming. It was such an emotional event. So emotional that I TOTALLY stammered on the Thank You speech. There were A LOT of people that I ended up not thanking that I really wanted to....and the truth is, well, I just did not want to be that emotional in front of everyone because I knew that I would just be a blubbering fool. And well I just didn't want to look that way. In hindsight, I really wish I did thank who I truly intended to thank. Me chickening out on not giving the speech I intended to give will probably go down as one of my major rejects in life. *sigh

If you would like to view pictures of my party please click on the link below:

http://www.kodakgallery.com/Slideshow.jsp?UV=789402280313_895866668306&mode=fromsite&collid=21542484306.279656508306.1216178934579&conn_speed=1

May 28 - I Love New York

It was my first vacation since I've been in remission and I always promised my favorite gal pal, Richelle that I would visit her and we would watch the Sex and The City movie when it premiered. And that's exactly what I did. I was so blessed that I was recovered by then because I couldn't stand to have another disappointment. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a HARDCORE Sex and the City fan. And as I wrote in a prior blog, this was to be one of my goals once I got better. I was in NYC for five days staying with Richelle and Elizel. Marita arrived later within the week. And the four of us were the four characters in SATC. Can you guess who was who?

Charlotte, Samantha, Carrie, Miranda

This trip definitely became one of the best trips I have taken in my life thus far. To me this trip symbolized freedom, friendship, loyalty, and instinct. Freedom: I was cancer-free and I was going to spend a moment of my life in a FANTASTIC city with FANTASTIC wonderful people. Friendship: We all united to watch Sex and the City, a series based on the friendship of four intelligent, sexy, go-getter women. It was a celebration of our friendship. We all dressed up like our given characters and ventured across Manhattan---wherever the characters went. The movie was so worth watching there. To be in the City watching the movie.....it was an experience like no other. Loyalty: This trip only strengthened our bond together. I've grown so much closer to them that I they are my soul. I was never any more happier than being with them. It feels great knowing that you have that kind of support. Instinct: New York City. That city will eat you alive. And we had no plans. No guides. All we had was our brains.....and good looks to get us by. And that's what was so great about it. We had no itinerary to follow. We went about it spontaneously and ended up in places that we've never been before---and no it was not Spanish Harlem---and ran into many interesting people. It was a delightful treat! I can't wait to go back.

If you would like to see pictures from my New York trip please click on the following links:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=20303&l=245a6&id=647574378

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=20329&l=f374f&id=647574378

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=20402&l=8f3dd&id=647574378

June 16 - LAM Specialist Appointment

I think this is the part that everyone wants to know the most. Well, I flew to Nashville, Tennessee on the 13th to visit Marita. We then drove up to Cincinnati, Ohio that Sunday afternoon and picked up Antonette along the way (she flew into Cincinnati that evening). I met with Dr. McCormack, the founder of LAM research. And as you all knew, I was willing to fly to meet with this doctor if he was the Big Dog for LAM treatment. The trip was well worth the money and time. People......it's a great day TO BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!! He spent two hours with the three of us first informing us about LAM and the current research being conducted. He then proceeded to deliver my prognosis me and you guys ready? Ready for the Earth shaking ground breaking news?!?!?!?

HE THINKS I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING FOR THE NEXT 5 YEARS!!!!!

He said that by looking at all my scans, it was detected early enough that I don't really have to concern myself for the next five years. Obviously I'll have to still take care of myself, after all I'm still recovering from cancer treatment. His three requirements: 1) Exercise at least 30 minutes everyday 2) No birth control 3) No pregnancy. Hmmm, I wonder how I'm going to pull 2 & 3 off. Now you all may be wondering, as was I, so you mean, after five years I basically have 3-5 more years left to live?!?!? Well, when I posed that to him (from what that other bastard Pulmonologist said in March) Dr. Mc shook his head with disgust and said,"There are some doctors who hear a diagnosis and look it up on their medical dictionaries and without verifying the accuracy go off telling their patients what they read," He continued to tell that there is so much research going on right now for LAM that he said that I'll more than likely be talking to him in the next 20 years, "Correction, I don't even know if I'll be alive in the next 20 years but I know that you definitely will," Can you believe the reaction and RELIEF I felt hearing the LAM guru say that?!?!?! People, it's not my time. . . .

So I just have to take particular care of myself from here on out. He said that because it's a progressive disease that I will definitely probably need some type of procedure done on me but nothing where I'll die or even have a lung transplant. He said that medical technology is so much greater who even knows what will be developed within five years.

Other additional concerns you all my have: he recommends not having children but it's not like I cannot have kids. He said that that is a decision for me to take although he feels that it escalates the disease. So, with that said, I will just deal with it when I reach that road.

Plus, there are some reported cases where women got rid of their LAM with time. Who knows, maybe I might be a medical miracle too! I have been so far. I've gotten rid of two major diseases so far. Let's see if I can make a three-peat!

So thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I believe in God and the power of prayer and I know SEVERAL of you who did pray and/or think of me daily and I know that God may move mountains but prayer moves God. So THANK YOU ALL. I'm here now because of YOU.

Take A Bow

2008-04-27T12:14:00.000-07:00

April 25 was pretty much the final chapter in my Lymphoma saga. I had my follow-up with Dr. G. I’m glad that I got to see him one more time. Teeheehee. He told me that I was good to go!!!! With that said, I'm already back on the road starting tomorrow! ZOINKS! It's going to be a crazy transition.

Anyway, he also said that I can go back to shaving and sushi eating and all my other B.C. things! YAY! "But not all at the same time," (LOL! Oh my doctor is so funny!)

And I've gone back to that full force. I've already ate sushi twice---once on Weds and then again yesterday!!!!!! Oh and to finally shave!!! That razor blade just glided over my legs and pits.....it's great to finally be clean shaven!

I think I'll fair well with the transition. Which is great since I need much needed rest with the LAM.

And that's a side effect of the radiation. It scalded my skin so I look like I have a really bad sunburn. Supposedly its supposed to last for 2-4 weeks which sucks because I'll have it during my party but what can you do. And also, I'm bald as a baby bottom on my right side of the nape of my neck. Richelle said its pretty obvious. I'm not positive if it will grow back but I have a feeling it won't since practically all the literature that I've read says it's permanent. Sucks. Like I said with my last blog, vanity gets thrown out the window when you have cancer.

I'm Comin' Out!!!!

2008-04-24T01:31:00.000-07:00

Man, boy does it feel great to be FINALLY done with cancer treatments. I officially successfully completed my entire cancer treatments on April 16, 2008 5:05pm. As I lied on the board getting my final radiation treatment, it was overwhelming....knowing that I won't be receiving anymore and I'm cured!!! TEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIFFFIC (a la Tigger). "YIPPIE!!!!" I exclaimed with one of the radiation techs. We both smiled and hugged followed by arms waving in the air. While I walked back to the "radiation locker room" fellow cancer babe, Natalie immediately congratulated me, "I knew it was you Sharon! I heard you woo-whoing! Oh, honey that's wonderful news!" We two both hugged and I got so overwhelmed with relief that I just broke down in tears. It was such a monumentous occassion in this whole story. You get so used to your cancer treatments and seeing everyone. I was initially coming here every week followed by everyday! It was very similar to graduating from high school/college. I realized how much I was going to miss everyone. It really was like going to a spa because everyone took such good care of me. And I kinda felt like: what now? You adjust to a particular way of living and I was living, eating, drinking, breathing CANCER for the past 8 months. And now I have to transfer back to normality.....how is the transition going to be like? More growing pains?

Well, I figured I need to start getting back to the things I did B.C. Little by little. So I decided to round up some friends for a no more cancer treatments dinner.

My colleagues and I even painted the town celebrating my remission. And yes, that's a mocktail in hand. I fit right in! I think I'll have mocktails a staple drink!

I also went out clubbing (FINALLY!!!!!!! I’ve been itchin to do this FORVER!!!!!) with Richelle who was in town visiting. Man was it great to be OUT again. And man I was super stoked that I was able to slink into one of my killer dresses that I have NOT worn since 2005. (That’s how much weight I lost---Richelle can vouch for that too since we haven’t seen each other in 9 mths---we had a baby!)

I’m glad that I got to spend that feat in this story since she’s my favorite Vegas girl. I wish that she still lived here because I think that I would have handled things better, although I know that I still handled this whole journey phenomenally well. We mesh fabulously great and boy was it TOTALLY boosting to have guys appeal to us. It was nice. With cancer vanity is TOTALLY thrown out the window. And again, to have guys talk to us…..now I don’t want this to interpret as getting hit on although that could have been the intention but these guys just wanted to talk to us. And to be told that you’re beautiful or that you have a great smile or that you’re very charming, and funny it’s quite cheering considering all the physical and interpersonal discomforts and changes I had to undergo. Anyway, I scooped up new boyzzzz to now fill up my then-cancer space in my brain.

One guy in particular is the dj. He and I have this relationship where I feel like I’m his perpetual girlfriend. We’ve known each other since we were freshman in HS. It’s just that we have this animalistic attraction to each other. I don’t know….we’re both just so happy to see each other and well, I just feel real secure and loved when I’m held by him. He’s always so genuinely happy to see me and he makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. He gives me wild zsa zsa zsu. And when we’re “together” he takes extremely good care of me. And the icing on the cake, when I asked him how his daughter’s doing he replied, “oh, she’s perfect,….” As he sincerely smiled. I mean doesn’t that just make you want to have a baby’s daddie like that! Why don’t I ever make him an official boyfriend? Well, the answer’s simple—he’s a dj, a major one in the city. I don’t consider myself a jeal0us girl, but when I see him work and girls hit on him…I hate to admit it but I get jealous. And sometimes I think that’s why I like him so much. Aside from the physical chemistry (as Riche noted, she can feel the sexual tension in the air) and he being a caring guy, he’s the first guy ever to get me jealous over other girls! AND HE’S NOT EVEN NOR HAS HE EVER been a boyfriend! But what I was trying to get at is I know that getting back into the dating scene is going to break my confidence. I was just soooo insecure. Bobby kept hugging me and holding me closely I was nervous he’d see my mediport or scars. And when he was about to twirl “my hair” with his finger, I freaked because I thought it might pull my wig off! And, oh man, as he was going to push “my hair” behind my ear I had to shoe his hand away, which I DID NOT want to do. I love being adored like that from a guy. I complained to Richelle that although I may look like a million bucks right now I am extremely uneasy and insecure.

Anyway, I’m hoping that when I swing back to that normality it won’t be as challenging and that whomever I date accepts me. Well, at least I have my Boyfriends 1-4. My boys have been pretty supportive. We’ve been hangin out regularly lately. And it’s just funny because I’m the only girl. We’re like No Doubt or Blondie. We like literally spent 24 hours straight with each other this weekend. It’s comforting knowing that I have my “bodyguards.”

Anyway, I’ve just been gearing up for my party. It’s in two weeks. It’s going to be a big deal. It will be a big deal. I’m really

Let it Radiate

2008-04-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

So I just had a very lengthy radiation consultation from the radiation oncologist there, March 24. She went over the various side effects, which may or may not be permanent—it's a patient by patient case: hair loss at the site receiving radiation, tooth decay, redness &/or irritation to the radiation site, possible discoloration to site/permanent bronzing, occurrence of secondary cancers later in life (breast or leukemia), possibility of lung scarring, and possible cardiovascular diseases in the future. The area where my sternum is and my right neck is where I am receiving treatment. A small portion of my lungs will be in the field of radiation and an even smaller portion of my heart will be in the field as well.

I also got three more tattoos to add to the three I already have. The markings are all symmetrical to each other where they form a triangular field when you visually attach them (dot to dot). (I got a new cancer joke/pick-up line: Wanna see my constellation?) The new tattoos are literally pen pricks/freckles/blackheads and they need that marking to ensure that they're radiating the same exact field every single time. Think of it as pattern making for a dress maker. On top of the three tattoos, I also have to wear these stickys on my upper chest and in between my boobs. I'm not allowed to pick them off or remove them. It's more reinforcement for aligning me up. X marks the spot. And I mighty fine spot it is.

Treatment will probably be 3-3.5 weeks EVERY DAY Monday-Friday. I'm already in the middle of my 3rd week and I have exactly 4 days left of it. I'm glad it's a short period of time. It will be at a low to moderate intensity, which is also good.

Risks aside, it's an exciting yet interesting experience! Very intergalactic…I feel like I've been abducted by aliens. You walk into this room and right above there's a sign that says in a big red box RADIATION IN PROGRESS. Wow, just as warm a welcome as Home Sweet Home. Then you see your fate: this stiff, long board and surrounding it this cylinder type contraption that circles around the board. I proceeded to lie down on the board and into my body mold (the body molds so that I can lie in the same exact position every single time---I love custom items.) Then the laser lights come on. From what I know of, there's three lasers pointing at me. Those lasers they use to line me up with the three tattoos. The fact that I can't move, I'm lying in an extremely awkward position--I have to cock my head as far back as I can as they're radiating my neck, I'm on this stiff board, and I'm TOPLESS! It's an extremely vulnerable position. I can feel the techs moving me from side to side, "It's just us moving you--do NOT help," Man.....the first day of radiation was rough. I was not allowed to move and they first had to take x-rays. Man, just staying in that position FOREVER, you start to loose feeling in ALL your limbs. You know the feeling.....that achy tingly feeling like when your foot's asleep. Yup, that's what I felt for ALL my appendages. I wanted to ask if I could at least just shake my wrists and ankles out but I was even scared to talk. Luckily that was only for the first day and since then it's been such a breeze.

I decided to even count how long I'm actually under that Radiation Sun. 10 seconds for my neck and literally a second for my chest. The machine makes a buzzing noise--that's when you know the radiation is being administered. I get it twice---10 seconds in the front neck, 1 second front chest, 10 seconds in the back of neck, 1 second chest back. And that's it. Piece of cake. Although it sure does not taste like cake. It's the weirdest thing that makes absolutely no sense to me but while I'm breathing, on the exhale I get this weird metallic taste in my mouth. Like as is my tongue is plastered with silver. But on the inhale, it's nothing. Strange.

But the machine, oh boy the machine. Talk about more than meets the eye. That thing was a Transformer. It's programmed to "mold" into the area that needs radiation. So, when it radiates my neck it's one shape but then when it's going to radiate my chest it shifts into another shape. It's pretty cool watching it shift to new shapes.

As I've mentioned earlier, I'm in my 3rd week. So far the side effects have been next to none. Although my throat did get extremely sore. So sore that I didn't even want to eat OR drink because both hurt. I thought I choked the other day because I tried to eat something but it wasn't going down, I don't know if it was because it hurt to swallow or I was swollen or it was a combination of both. Whatever it was, it was scary and by no means fun. Luckily I'm fine, obviously or I wouldn't be here typing this out right now. My hair is still intact but a bit did start falling out from the radiation site. But it was like nothing new. Definitely not as traumatic as the chemo.

my body cast for my head

where I'm receiving radiation

me and the Transformer

Easter's officially now my favorite holiday

2008-03-23T23:55:00.000-07:00

"Never never never give up hope," - Uncle Ric

"He's testing you...He's seeing if you will still have the faith, He's seeing if you will still believe and believe in Him. It is his way to draw those closer to Him. He is seeing if you will give Him everything and put Him first." - Auntie Inday

"Rely in the Holy Spirit to invigorate you," - The Father

Easter is one of those holidays where the weather starts to get a bit warmer and everyone's in good spirits. I started the day having brunch with my family then rounded up the kiddies and colored some eggs. Then Nicole and I wisked away to church to return to the park for some Easter egg hunting and barbeque picnic.

I just love getting together with loved ones.

Angelina Jolie Prodigy

2008-03-11T18:47:00.000-07:00

I've been having numerous revelations in particularly within these past few weeks. Every single complaint, every single groan, every single whine is sooooooooo minuscule. They are sooooooo beyond trivial. Nowadays I cannot even fathom why people gripe about certain insignificant things. Stop complaining, stop groaning, stop whining. STOP LIVING FOR YOURSELF.***

It's so much more rewarding when you live for others. Live beyond yourself. This past Saturday Kira (my other professional BFF aside from Rachel) brought me to one of her numerous volunteering efforts. I knew that this event would definitely do my heart and soul good. And boy did it ever. I did not expect the impact that it left on me. It was called Operation School Bell where volunteers were assigned one under-privileged child to take school shopping. (Children and shopping, these are a few of my favorite things.) Each volunteer is given a list with specific items to obtain for the child, ie. backpack, dictionary, jacket, shoes, under-roos, etc. Anyway, I was assigned a boy, Alfred, and then a girl. It was such a REWARDING experience to see these children be so appreciative and thankful for giving them that moment. It made me think about my own childhood. I never ever had been struck by the hand of poverty, neglect, abuse or malnutrition. To think that's what these kids know; that's what they're used to; this is what these kids deal with EVERY DAY. At least three of those kids were homeless. My childhood compared to theirs makes mine have a silver spoon! Those of you may think that what I'm going through isn't fair; what these kids are going through isn't fair.

As the event ended, Arquezeona, the eight year old girl I had, came up to me and gave me a big tight hug---both arms wrapped around me. "Thank you, Sherry!" Bless her heart, she said the wrong name but it was still quite infectious. "Do you want to come and sit with me?" How could I say no. She lead me to her table. "Are you thirsty?" "Oh no, sweetheart, those drinks are for you guys," "That's okay. Adults can drink too. Let me get you one," Off she went and grabbed me a Capri Sun anyway. "Do you want to draw?" I watched her and her sister draw and then she handed the drawing to me "This is for you,"

I welled up the moment I read it. Especially considering what I'm going through. GOD IS FIRST.

The day carried on and I went to the Hair Design Academy so that they could resurrect my now totally wigalicious wig. Since I was already there I decided to get my nails touched up. As I sat down, a gentleman adjacent to me asks, "Was that a hair piece?" "Well, it was a wig," "You're hair is so nice already, you don't have to wear a wig," "*sigh Well, this is a wig too," "*gulp Oh, *reluctance what is your natural hairline?" "*long pause followed by hesitation I don't have much of a hairline. I'm a cancer patient. So chemotherapy took my hair," "*yelp Wow! I never would have thought! *stammer I mean you look healthy and you're happy and you seem to enjoy life," ***

I told him cancer will be what you think it to be and it can take my hair but it won't take my zest for living. We continued to talk about cancer and health and as he began to count his fingers I expected him to tell me that he's been in remission for so-n-so years. Instead he tells me,

"I'VE BEEN LIVING WITH A.I.D.S. FOR THE PAST 25 YEARS,"

This immense sensation of relief came over me followed by a surge of hope. He breathed new life into me. Although we both do not suffer from the same ailment, we are the same in that we both suffer from an incurable, in some cases untimely, disease. Michael, this A.I.D.S. thriving miracle looks healthy and happy and you would never even suspect that he's living with what he's living with. I was meant to meet him. First the children, second Michael. His parting words, "Just enjoy life. The key is to enjoy life."

It saddens me knowing that there are some of you that think that what I'm enduring isn't fair and want to curse God because He's punishing me. Or question: what's the purpose? Yes, it isn't fair, but by no means is this punishment. And there is a purpose. What if the purpose is to show that even through multiple and maximum adversity, one can still remain joyous and vivacious and fashionable and still love life, still love God?

When I suffer, He suffers. When I weep, He weeps. When I feel pain, He feels pain. He too also feels joyous when I feel joyous. He too feels exaltation when I feel exaltation. This past Sunday the Father concluded the sermon with, "Those who suffer from physical disease, maintain your hope," My determination and courage may have faltered here and there throughout this ordeal but my hope and faith remained only to grow more and more resilient.

I think those don't understand because they don't believe or live for Christ. He has a purpose for me and He'll have a purpose for you. And He tells me that I will endure this and I'll be fine. This illness is not to end in death, but is for the glory of God.***

NONE OF YOU WILL EVER ENDURE WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH AND WHAT I STILL HAVE YET TO GO THROUGH. Consider yourself lucky, but I consider myself lucky. No, I consider myself blessed. Because God has saved me time and time again. And I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for Him. It is because of Him that I shall still be here tomorrow. It is because of Him that I shall be here a year from now. It will be because of Him that I perhaps may be here 25 years from now. IT IS ALL BECAUSE OF HIM.

If the Spirit of the One who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, the One who raised Christ from dead will give life to your mortal bodies also. So why not give thanks to God? Why not live for Him? He has been taking care of me and He will continue to take care of me. Watch and see the amazing things that will happen.***

So sit back, relax, and enjoy the miracle that will be unfolding in front of your very own eyes.

***A perfect example of living beyond yourself is my Marita.
She informed me that she just signed up to be a volunteer for the American
Cancer Society. BRAVO!!!! I am so proud and I didn't even post this blog entry
yet too! See, the miracle's unfolding!

***It just gets to me how everyone views cancer
and cancer patients so negatively. It's more alluring and captivating than
something to be ostracized. Cancer is not THAT bad. Look at me.

***I have never been anymore
prouder of my kid brother, Nolan. As the whole family ate lunch together
celebrating our Auntie Rosemyn's birthday , the inevitable conversation about my
health came up. We acknowledged the fact that God obviously is keeping me around
for a reason. "If He wanted to take you away, He would have done it with the car
accident. But no, you walked away with a bruise. " Again, if He wanted to take
me away He would have allowed the lymphoma to take over my physical body. My
purpose in life has not yet been fulfilled. My reason for living has not yet
been accomplished. Although Nolan was visibly upset and he told me that he was
enraged over the new news, he did not condemn God. It's in God's hands. He
giveth He taketh.

***Amazing things already have been
stirring within me. As if there's this magnetism surrounding me and most of my
encounters. Just a lot of positive energy and good luck bouncing back and forth.
Everything is such a joy and such a thrill. Life is beautiful.LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.
Which is why I don't fear dying. If my mortal life is as wonderful and as
gorgeous and as breathtaking imagine what eternal life will be like!

A Work of Art

2008-03-06T20:45:00.002-08:00

It's pretty much 90% confirmed. I have LAM.

.....

But to make 100% sure I have to undergo a lung biopsy. And yes, it is as scary as it sounds. I'll have to be hospitalized for a couple of days. They'll collapse my lungs, remove a sample of my lungs, and send it off for tests. There's still hope---maybe it may still not be LAM. But let's just say that it is because after that I have to see a specialist. None are in Vegas so I'll have to fly out to see a LAM specialist.

It's extremely disappointing and crushing. This new disease I feel takes away from me being cancer-free. It's not fair. I hate having to think that I have yet to endure more. I've already put myself through nearly 7 months of cancer treatments. Exerted all of my mental energy to getting better and believing in remission. I don't have the mental strength right now to deal with something new. Something more horrific. Something more terrifying. Something more halting.

I don't understand nor do I want to understand. All I understand now is to just enjoy my time that I do have here....whether it be 5 years, 15 years, or 25 years. And in the process make peace with myself and with The Lord because we all know that the most important part of our present life is preparing for our eternal life with Him.

It is a calming feeling though. At least I have a definitive lifeline. As I told my cousin last night,"Either I can view this as damn, there were so many things I want to do or damn, there's a lot I want to do," There's so much I want to do. And God permitting, I'll do it and push on.....for as long as I can push on.

Some truly amazing events did come out within the last 24 hours. My bestest friends in the entire universe were there with me while I received the news yesterday. Marita and Antonette flew out to be by my side literally at a minutes notice. As my boss said, "You have a great support system and it shows because they flew out to be with you and with that you know they'll be there for you any time you need them," Man, I started tearing when she said that because it's so true. So unbelievably true.

But I got to spend an amazing time with my permanent partner is scandal, my attached at the palm. I could be so upset with anything but when I see you all I can do is smile. You're the greatest and you're the best and I really don't know how I'll be without you but on the brightside at least I'll be leaving you versus you leaving me.

You guys keep me afloat. You guys are my life raft. Whatever turn of events happens to me today, tomorrow, the next year, just know that this fight I fight to be with you. I'm sorry I can't say forever but I'll say for my forever. And like what I said at the doctor's office, I know that if I do have children, adopted or mine (my own, my precious -- lol), that the two of you will take the best of care and raise her/him/them with the love, support, faith, beauty, compassion and of course FASHION that I would give. Just believe that I will live forever through you both and through my children. Teach them well and teach them right.

As my dad talked with me about it, he told me, "Nobody wants this. Nobody asks for it. But God gave it to you so you must accept it. Whatever purpose He has there's a reason for it. Just believe in the cure of prayer. Just live your life and just accept that when The Almighty wants to take you, He will take you. That's for everyone. He will do what He wants to do. Just pray. The cure is in prayer," and we prayed together and cried.

And that's just what I have to accept. God created me, God can do what He wants with me. God can take me.....and I know He will. With all my medical baggage I definitely can say that I truly am a work of art.

It's just kind of funny......I used to say, "I'm gonna beat this cancer! I'm gonna beat it to the ground! I'm gonna die but I sure ain't gonna die from cancer!!!!" (*fist waving in the air).......well, whadda ya know........I sure ain't gonna die from cancer.

Speaking of my cancer-free party, I received an early cancer-free gift!!!! My professional BFF gave me Samba Sassiness Flowers!!!!! Rachel, you've come full circle with me---you were there with me when I first got diagnosed and then you were the first to (physically) celebrate me being cancer-free! Awwwwwwwwwwww!

Anyway people, don't be somber. We're talking 'bout me: Sharon Lee Albano Andres. From the Planet of Annoyingly Happy People. And c'mon, I wouldn't be me without saying this, "Only the beautiful die young," . . . . . you all are laughing right?

I shall end it with this:

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

Pain does not exist in this dojo, does it?

Defeat does not exist in this dojo, does it?

Takes a Lickin' But Keeps On Tickin'

2008-02-24T14:42:00.000-08:00

I had an appointment with my Doctor Dreamy* this past Friday (2/22)to get my results from my PET and CT scans that I had done the day before(2/21). This appointment was and IS a monumental appointment in that I would find out the status of my evil, evil Hodgkin tumors. Go tell it on the mountains that I, Sharon Lee Albano Andres, Stage IIA Hodgkin Lymphoma patient is now CANCER FREE!!!!!!! I, Sharon Lee Albano Andres is now in remission and is OFFICIALLY A CANCER SURVIVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!! My scans revealed that all the HL tumors are gone. Eliminated. ANNIHILATED. TERMINATED. Gone. GONE. Gone baby gone. BUT I can't celebrate just yet and declare victory. Two reasons.

Reason #1:
Although my tumors are cleared and I'm in remission, it is standard, for my type of stage, to either have 2 more cycles of chemo/2 more months of chemo or switch to radiation. So I still have a bit of battle yet to face. Let's look it at as TOTALLY nuking what's left. The fabulous Fox Force Four did their duty now let's go Hiroshima on their asses.

Reason #2:
The war is DEFINITELY not done. In fact, the real battle has just begun. That deal with my abdomen.....not so great. While a radiologist and Dr. G were reviewing my CT scans, the radiologist diagnosed that I have a rare pulmonary disease called lymphangioleiomatosis or LAM for short. After I left the clinic, Dr. G called the pulmonologist I've been seeing for my lungs.** He reviewed the diagnosis with the lung doc and he too is diagnosing me with LAM. Dr. Mooney, the pulmonary doctor, called me right away and discussed this with me. As I talked with him on the phone, he named off different options for me to take: progesterone shots, removal of my ovaries, even a lung transplant. I asked if I didn't receive treatment what would happen. "If untreated, median life expectancy is 8-10 years. Hearing all that I became so incoherent. The progesterone shots: that's what I get for making all those tranny jokes and even calling myself a tranny. Removal of my ovaries: there is nothing I want MORE in this life(time) but to have MY own children. Lung transplant: I could die from that alone! What is that---am I gonna get placed on a waiting list or something!?!? Fuck, it's going to come from a baboon! 8-10 years: Shit, I should have just jumped off that ledge at Golden Gate when I had the chance.

When I should have been rejoicing about being cancer free, I get knocked down with an even HARDER blow.

I am absolutely devastated.

I have been so strong and so courageous through all of this and then to be dealt with that I can't do it. I can't do it anymore. I have been at my strongest. I have been my most courageous. I wailed (to God): Am I that horrible a person? Did I not do enough with the time that you did spare me? Am I that ungrateful? Do you not love me?

I've been referencing Lord of the Rings to my ordeal in that the lymphoma was my battle for Helm's Deep. Now, LAM, if that is what I have, is my battle for Middle Earth. And to reference more of LOTR, I'm frickin Frodo Baggins. I bear the weight and the evil of The Ring. And it is up to me to destroy the Ring. "Then that is what I must do," as the brave Master Hobbit said as I say too. God has a bigger, grander, larger purpose for me. I'm like a Halfling---weak, feeble, small---but at least I have pretty feet! Yet, everyone bestowed their trust and hope in one little hobbit. If I have to deal with this LAM then that is what I must do. And as Galadriel said, "hope yet remains,"

HOPE YET REMAINS

God let me face death. God gave me the strength and courage to face death. And now he is giving me the strength and courage to die. I don't fear dying now. I've danced with it numerous times throughout my life. I don't fear it now. And I don't fear you, Devil. YOU ARE A FUCKING C*** ASS BITCH, DEVIL, AND I HATE YOU!!!! I hate you for condemning me with these diseases. I have forgiven God for allowing me to go through this ordeal. But I will NOT forgive you. I DESPISE YOU. And what I have left to say to you, Devil, is that I am UNSTOPPABLE. You have meddled with me one too many times. I AM UNSTOPPABLE and even though you give me a lickin' I KEEP ON TICKIN'. And I will continue to keep on tickin' because I walk alongside hand in hand with God. GOD WILL SAVE ME. BECAUSE I STILL HAVE HOPE AND I HAVE THE FAITH.

I will get through all of this AGAIN. And I WILL get out of this stronger physically, mentally, SPIRITUALLY.

P.S. If you guys have more questions about this new disease that I may possibly have please just google it. I really REALLY cannot take talking about this and what I'm going through. Having lymphoma was already so emotionally and mentally taxing and physically draining. I really do NOT have the energy to discuss this new matter.

P.S.S. Let's all celebrate in me being cancer free! Once I'm completely done with treatment, I plan on throwing a cancer free party! So I hope that most of you will be able to make it!!!!! I'd like to give particular thanks to Dr. Galsky for being pro-patient and never giving up on me, the nursing staff for taking exceptional care of me during chemo----I will ALWAYS be your "Chemo Wears Prada", and God for keeping me up and not failing me.

*We're homies now. I had enough balls to
incongnito-ly tell him that he's hott. One of my appointments, while he was
examining me, which made this story much more exciting, I told him that
practically all the nurses, when they see my chart and see that he's my doctor,
ALWAYS either say, "Oh you got the young doctor," or "Oh, you got the cute
doctor," or both: "Oh, you got the young cute doctor" I started blushing like no
other and I covered my face with my hands. From then on me and Dr. G are like
bros.
**I didn't mention anything about my lungs because I felt that everyone's already enduring enough hearing about my lymphoma. Well, I have fluid in my lungs which were already present before I even started treatment. So Dr. Galsky referred me to a pulmunologist to see what is going on with that.

Eighth on the 8th

2008-02-10T16:17:00.001-08:00

So I got my 8th chemo treatment on the 8th. That treatment will hopefully be my last chemo treatment. I hope so too because I physically cannot take it anymore.

I will be getting my PET and CT scans some time next week to see what's left of the cancer. Let's hope that it's all gone.

Then at the end of the month I will be meeting a radiologist as I will undergo radiation. I don't know for how long since I haven't met with her. BUT I SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!!!!

I'm tentatively scheduled for a surgery in mid-March for that abdomen mass.

It's almost done people.

My Homage to Life Tabs

2008-01-26T11:34:00.000-08:00

Having a lot of time to just sit back and reflect I figured I would take the opportunity to recognize the lifelines in my life. Those lifelines that have either snapped or still as strong as steel or like the city of Chernobyl--a distant, haunting memory.

I have many fabrics of life. What I like to dub as my Tranny Parade because it's oh so colorful. So let's bring on the Drag Glam!!!

MEMORIES UP ON A SHELF

My Quintessential Party Gals-Marie, Rodjin, Nina, Stella, Wendy B, Wendy P, and Reesa. Man oh man, did my friendships with you give birth and cultivate my Vivacious Vegas Vixen! hahaha It was such a RIOT befriending each and everyone of you. Sometimes I do look back and wonder how you all are fairing. If you're still out partying, are you married, kids, do you still live in Vegas? We were the Bratz Dolls come to life. Barbie and The Rockers. Jem and The Holograms. Sometimes The Misfits. They were great friendships. Some more than just partying and having a good time. I enjoyed 3-4 hour phone calls or 3-4 vent fests at Tea Planet or watching Strip shows or shopping or road trips or staying in watching Sex and the City. But we were freshly legal, of course what else would you do in Sin City but hit up the clubs! E V E R Y O N E KNEW US. We were the epitome of Asian Persuasion. The bouncers, the promoters, the bartenders, the deejays and in some cases the owners--we were their muses. We were definitely those group of girls who wanted to take it easy for the night and just lay low but since we were already on the Strip, we'd swing by a club just to say hi to the bouncers who loved us so. We'd stop look at how long the line was, debate whether to go in or not, and finally decide to heck with layin low and in we'd be pass the velvet rope effortless while the Club Commoners waited in our gold dust. They all adored us. We were Club Goddesses found on every Vegas club website and flyer. The Vegas It Girls. Out EVERY SINGLE NIGHT OF THE WEEK. We were all good girls though. We were all good girlfriends. At least we all started that way. *snicker snicker. Until we all started breaking up one by one til we were all single. Boy....that's when things got real crazy. And I will be honest, that's why I bailed. I couldn't dare imagine our friendship turning into cattiness or worse. Sometimes I think that my decision was premature and what could have been of our friendship(s). I do wish I could see each of you again. But for now, I'll just have to put our memories up on a shelf and hope for a chance meeting. I hope you're all well. Thanks for all the memories. 95% I don't regret and will cherish...and debate whether to tell my future children. ;)

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Abelard Coloma - Wow, my first boyfriend! I see the hearts flittin' through the air. hahaha And that basically was the whole relationship. I know I already gave my homage to you in a previous blog but I really do owe my standard in a relationship to you. Yes we were fresh, young teenagers. And I don't know if that's why we were so smitten over each other but that's what was so great! The love we had was just so effortless. We gave ourselves whole-heartedly because we wanted to. Not because oh, great she's mad time to make her happy. No that never was the case. I did things for you because I wanted to. And I did think about you day in day out. Our love was so Disney. I know that I got my girlfriends jealous and probably puking in their mouth. I still fondly remember all the sugary sweet things you would do for me. Abe Ducky. hahaha It's a mystery why we didn't end up high school sweethearts. That's right! Because you became high school sweethearts with Cat. I do wish you both the best. I know that you must make her happy.

MEMORIES LOCKED UP IN THE VAULT

Bradley Bagasani - I think it was Dickens that said this: it was the best of times; it was the worst of times. I really don't like to think that our four years together was an absolute waste. We really did work hard at trying to salvage what remained as ashes. We both did. It breaks my heart to feel that you feel it as a waste. And I apologize for that. It was never my intention. I thought the world of you. I really wanted us to work. I really wanted to marry you. I really wanted to have our children. 2 boys and 2 girls. I really wanted that house off the shore. I really wanted to drive that Range Rover. The picture perfect quintessential OC lifestyle. I'm sorry we lasted as long as we did. But...you did love me once. I know you did, because it's captured in time by a simple picture unknown to us that it was taken, those subtle kisses that you think no one sees. I'm sorry that our relationship was so tumultuous. I'm sorry that we had to live a lie for so long. At least I walked away knowing that relationships are a lot of work and if it's not working to just have the courage to get out and not linger. I hope that I never cross paths with you again and that we become strangers. Harsh but I'd prefer it that way. I know you do too. I did love you. I'm sorry.

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Jeffrey Jetton - Jeff, I've always had an interest in the arts, culture, travel but being with you definitely cultivated that interest into a passion. Afterall, you were the first guy I took a trip with all alone. Since I've met you I looked at the world cinematic, picturesque, grandeur. God's creation never looked any more amazing. But I'm grateful that we did not work out. Aside from medical conditions, which could possibly be why I'm going through what I'm going through now, I knew I didn't want to be with you anymore while we were walking through Capitol Hill. A homeless man asked you for money and you looked at him with such disgust. Right there and then I knew I couldn't be with someone so inhumane. God blesses us with so many different luxuries and it's up to us to share with those less fortunate. I hope that your frozen heart has melted. But thank you for giving me a new eye on the world. Five years later and I'm still in awe of this world.

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Justin Kintz - Bill, the name I so endearingly called you, maybe because you were my meal ticket. What did I learn from our on and off relationship? Hmm, to never date a jerk, anyone who does not respect me or is inconsiderate of my feelings and time. One thing that I can owe to you is I'll always have our David Beckham/Posh Spice. It was good fun feeling like we just walked off a Dolce & Gabbana ad. Better yet being classed as those stuck-up, uber-modern, "priviledged" pretentious couples. You're definitely my first relationship where I didn't have my guy thinking, "Yeah, that's my girl...look at her," but "Yeah, that's my girl...look at us," We were definitely the beautiful people. Thank you for fostering my glamorous side.

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Michael Leedom - You were a breath of fresh air the moment we started getting to know each other. The more and more I got to know you the more and more I wanted to seal the deal and see our monogram towels with our initials and I could make fun of my new name: Sharon Lee Leedom. How cheesy a name! You were the ultimate package. You embodied EVERYTHING I want in a man. Absolutely wonderful and charming both inside and out. I'll forever remember waking up next to you and the first thing you say to me is, "You're so beautiful," You made my heart melt. You also made my heart shatter into a million pieces. It's unfortunate that we didn't work. You were the first guy to burn me so deep since Brad. I didn't understand. Just like I'll forever remember your morning greeting I'll never forget you saying, "You're worth everything," but apparently I was not worth a relationship. There are times when I wish you would wake up and realize that we possibly could have given up too quickly. But then I would think there's someone way better out there for me. It's insane since you LITERALLY were perfection. From head to toe. You hit the mark with everything. But I thank you for making me realize that even though someone could mean everything to another, if it's not reciprocated, than all feelings are void. Virtually meaningless. Maybe if we were in the same city I would have eventually ended up yours. But someone else is mine. I hope you find what you're looking for and that she's worth everything.

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AND THE BEAT GOES ON

There has been friendships that continue to foster my parade and still march alongside me. You guys definitely made stamps in my life and make me know that I'm loved and I'm a great friend. You all rott my soul with your sweetness and I know that you guys are officially family to me.

And you thought that I was talking shit about you the first time we met over four years ago. Which is why it TOTALLY caught you off guard when I asked you if you wanted to come out and party with me after work. haha You've been beyond a supportive friend. I know we've faced numerous rough patches but I feel that we've faced the worse and that the worse is behind us.

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My Architecture Girls! My sistahs! Sometimes I feel like we're a drama series with all the lows our lives have went through. Yet we always managed to still look our best and be in good spirits! We've shared some intense times together that I think will forever bind us together. You guys are positive influences and keep me together. That's why I'm glad you two are still in my life.

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Middle school and high school I owe it all to you both. Man, we had a lot of great times. A LOT OF LAUGHS AND A LOT OF GOOFING OFF. Quentessential high school phases I shared with you guys:

The Pink Ladies Phase

Except we were the Legendary FoxyLUST702

Dance Crew Phase

The Legend Known as Liquid Dreams

Thrift Store/Hippie/Mary Kate Ashey Olsen Phase

Rocker Phase

Filipino Power Phase (*shudder)

But the best part are the phases I'll never grow out of!

Phases I'll Never Outgrow

And Pose - And Pose - And Pose I'm a Glamazon - Cover of a Magazine Phase

circa 1997

circa 1994

circa 2000

WASPy Perfection Phase

The original Gossip Girls

I was the President of the National Honor Society. Can't get anymore WASPier than that.

THE SAUCY MINX Phase

I was destined to be a sexbomb. I've been excuding that throughout the decades.

Bride-to-Be Mafia

2008-01-20T14:56:00.000-08:00

So I was supposed to receive my 7th dose of chemo yesterday. To my dismay, I have to get it postponed to next week because my blood counts were too low. Well, I've had them critically low in the past but they were never that low where I had to postpone treatment. Well my neutrophils were like .6 and my WBC's were 1.8 --- normal is 4.0. I've never seen them that low too. SOOOOO I've been getting injections of neupogen--I forget how you spell it-- for the past 3 days to boost up my counts. This time around I knew what type of side effect to expect and this time around I was not going to sit around and take the pain. And yes, the pain started coming. Luckily I still had some pain killer left from my neck surgery so I'm all good.

It just kind of sucks that my treatment gets delayed because I just want to get this over with!!! I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I've remained focused but I feel like I'm hanging on the edge. *sigh

Well, at least I have my besties to keep me motivated. Raquel and I watched The Bucket List the other weekend. I was partial to the movie since it's about cancer badasses. The movie began with, "Some people are defined by their experiences, some by their company, some by their love, some by their faith," I sat there and pondered what defines me? I can say that experiences, company, love, faith.... those all define me. The movie was very accurate in portraying cancer patients. It was rough watching it on screen. That I couldn't hold back the tears because even though they were actors I knew damn well what they were feeling. And I was a babbling lil drag queen. And what was funny, well it's not funny, but my tranny sidekick was a babbling buffoon too. So, it would make me laugh because we were crying hardcore with all the heavy breathing and sobbing and snot snorting. It was literally a roller coaster of emotions because I'd be sobbing one second then cracking up laughing the next. People must have thought we were lesbians because we were totally holding each other, holding hands and putting our heads on each other shoulder. . . . . GROSS. hahahaha

Ya know that wasn't the only cancer related movie I've recently watched. P.S. I Love You is an excellent excellent movie. I first watched it with Pia. Man oh man how I wish I'll meet a man who will love me like that. I cried.

Being on the movie + besties tip, yesterday I watched 27 Dresses with Monique and Stephanie. Two years back, before our "separation" the three of us always had a girls night at least once every month where we'd have dinner together and watch a movie. Anyway, I thought it would be a riot if we did something festive like wear bridesmaid dresses or something. Stephanie called me and said that there were bride-to-be crowns at a party store so we decided to wear those instead. AND WHAT A GREAT IDEA THAT WAS!!!! The security guard at the theatre took a liking to us the moment we got there that he waited for us to come out of the movie. I asked him if they had a billboard or poster that we can take a picture by and he straight hunted one down for us by walking all around the theatre and asking the managers who eventually dug one up from storage. THEN the security guard asked if we wanted to watch another movie and I suggested P.S. I Love You. So off we went to watch our double feature! And yes, I cried again. And so did Monique. And so did Stephanie. And it was just heartwarming too since the film circles around three friends and I overheard Monique say, "*laugh That's just like the three of us," While we were enjoying our second movie the security guard came in looking for us to give us posters. WHAT THE HECK MAN!!! It was the power of the tiara.

So from now on, we're going to bring those tiaras with us whenever we go out. We shall be known as the Bride to Be Mafia. BEWARE.

The results are in.....

2008-01-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

I had Chemo Round #6 yesterday afternoon aka completed Cycle #3. I'll be honest: I'm not as tough a cookie as I was in the beginning. I'm getting winded a lot sooner than before. I just get woozy right after and the nausea definitely hits sooner. But, 24 hours have passed and I feel fine.

Anyway, from the biopsy, Dr. Sides & Dr. Galsky could not find any cancer cells BUT the results did not confirm that they were non-cancerous ether, therefore results inconclusive. Because of this Dr. G sent my biopsy samples to the Mayo Clinic, an outside pathology lab to run more tests on them. Since the Mayo Clinic came back with the results inconclusive as well I will be undergoing a surgical biopsy sometime in February. I think I'm so immune to all this hospital mumbo jumbo. I've undergone soooooo much so far that it didn't even phase me. "I know that this is something that you probably don't want to hear but that's the next step we'll have to do. It's just that it's such a rare area to have a tumor so we have to make sure that it's not cancerous. On the positive side, the tumor has not changed from your baseline scans and from your most recent. So if it is cancerous at least it's a so growing cancer. But from what I've seen I'm leaning towards it being benign growth."

So here's the schedule: I will have one more cycle of chemotherapy--two additional rounds. After I complete my 4th cycle, I will have both a PET and CAT scans. From there I will have my surgery (which Dr. G wants the same surgeon who performed my neck biopsy to do it---and I too don't mind because I thought he was hott too! hahahaha). The next step is to either receive radiation or two more cycles of chemo. I have a feeling that we will go the radiation route. I know that I expressed some discomfort about getting radiation therapy but Dr. G assured me that technology has developed and there's less effect on surrounding organs and (hip hip hooray) teeth. Now I'm hoping that whatever that other tumor is will be benign. I really don't want to be treated for a second cancer.

Anyway, yup Dr. G knows he's fierce. My nurse taking care of me yesterday while reading my chart says, "Oh he's so cute," "hmm" "Dr. Galsky is so cute, I tell him that all the time. I also tell him, 'Too bad you're married,' *sigh He's married, ya know....he's so cute," SHHHHHEEEEEESSSH!!!!!!!!!! She proceeded to tell me that he replies he's glad he's married. What the heck does not mean? Cuz he has drones and drones of women melting at the sight of him he just wanted to save womankind by being off the market? *scoff--he's just on warranty. teeheehee JUST KIDDING

And I am the bonafided fashion maven. They call me Fashion Queen. A volunteer that comes by the Center to share his story of survival and encouragement said that when he saw me in the waiting room he thought I was a pharmaceutical sales rep---they ALWAYS do. Anyway, he had leukemia and he underwent WAY MORE than what I'm undergoing (1o months of therapy: combo of chemo, radiation, blood and bone marrow transfusions) and his story was soooo touching he brought me to tears. I told him that I don't usually cry, not that I'm holding back the sorrowful feelings I just feel that if I am sad my body will know and I won't be in full fighting spirit. (As Deepak Chopra said: Your cells eavesdrops on your thoughts.) I do breakdown, usually in the shower or before I go to sleep or think about hurting my family and friends but I'm spectacular. So just hearing his story -- he understands what I'm going through because he's gone through it too. We're in an exclusive club where you can't join by choice -- you get to be the lucky chosen member. So the whole paradigm shift happens. I have respect for humankind, but I have a deeper new found respect and admiration for fellow cancer survivors. I was in awe, I would compare it to perhaps my meeting with God.....well it wasn't that deep but he definitely impacted me instantly.

Anyway, this is going to be the year. This is going to be a GREAT year actually. Live every moment you can. If possible, live every ounce of the day.

Year in Review

2007-12-31T20:04:00.001-08:00

My oh my a year has come and went. And what a year it definitely was for me! THAT is totally for sure. I went through a complete series of ups and downs (so cliche) and I always saw myself as resilient and strong. And now I'm standing the real test; how strong am I?

At least my year has ended with reunion, reconciliation, love, and friendship. Just over this weekend I reconnected with my dear good college friends on Friday evening, then Saturday I reconciled with a best friend, and Sunday I learned that friendships really do last a lifetime.

Chillin' in my office Friday morning of the 28th, my cell phone goes off and it's Stephanie. I haven't seen her in over 2 years and haven't heard from her in probably a year. It was a delightful surprise. "Sharon! It's Stephanie. Long time no talk to! Listen, we're all getting together since Jude's in town and it's the same gang so can you make it?" Of course I was going to make it! I haven't seen the gang in over two years!!! To tell you the history of us, we all attended UNLV and graduated 2003. The thing is I was the honorary Architecture student, the pseudo one. I met them all because I worked at the Architecture Studies Library for 5 years and they all were architecture students. I hung out basically with practically all the architecture students, in particular the male ones---*zoinks! And from all the artsy fartsiness going around, that's how I gained and nurtured my fetish for architecture, interiors, design, and landscape.

After graduating, the people that I met up with Friday night were the batch of the arch kids that I kept in touch with.

So we meet at Hofrahous---however you spell it. It's a German restaurant here in town. As with all reunions, I was a bit nervous. Kinda like a first date. But I was extra nervous because now I'm a Cancer Babe and well, it's always tough to tell bad news and it makes bad news even harder to tell when you're telling the news to people you haven't seen in eons. I see them and proceed to the table. Of course there's A LOT of hugs and smiles and OHMIGAWs. "Look at you! You look great! I can't believe you cut your hair! What compelled you to cut your hair! I thought you'd never cut your hair! Oh, but it's so cute! It looks good! And you're looking good! Oh, it's so good to see you!"

Um, yeah, that made me shudder in my boots because I didn't cut my hair out of liberation or in the name of fashion. The night proceeded to carry on and it loomed over me as to when I would tell them. Finally I just had to tell because they were just so shocked that I would cut my hair and was fascinated as to why. THE MYSTERY!!!! So, over blaring loud music and cheering people (remember, we're in a German restaurant ~ PROST! PROST! PROST! I'm a bit Zser-mehn ya know) I told them. "Well...I didn't cut my hair because I wanted to....I cut my hair because I had to....and I had to because now I don't have any hair....and I don't have any hair because....because....I'm sick....very sick...." Although there was mania surrounding us there was definite silence at our table. Wow, I totally saw back to back the faces of good shock and sad shock. Right away Monique started crying and held my hand and hugged me and kissed my face. It was a very touching moment. When we left and ventured to Starbucks before we hit the gay scene -- *literally -- we all stood outside the mega coffee chain doing a big group hug. As Stephanie hugged me she cried too and whispered in my ear, "I wish it was me instead of you," Now that hurts. I don't wish cancer on anyone. The experience maybe---I'm learning A LOT about EVERYTHING. So much I feel like Socrates.

Anyway, they all said that I look great. I don't even look like I'm sick and that they never would have known (That's because I'm the Style Goddess! muah hahahahhah!!!) And I know no one can tell because by golly do I get hit on. I mean I get hit on soooooo much more nowadays. And honesty I don't think Cancer is the new black -- the new dejour. Nor do I think that there's a cancer babe fetish going around. I think that I've definitely built this "force" my joie de vivre around me. I think that I'm probably radiating in a new light ---gawh that was so pun intended---especially if I'm going to have to have radiation---oh I crack myself up! It's just that at times I feel like I need to compensate. It's my paradox---cancer sometimes feels like a scarlet letter. Other times it's my badge of courage and strength and soon-to-be survival. But, mainly, it's just a good self-esteem booster that people look at me warmly and guys go goo-goo eyed considering I feel sooooo ugly and violated. As Tim Gunn would say, Make It Work and trust me I've had to tweak my sense of fashion and style. Through showgirl lashes and Cirque Du Soliel make-up "*GASP. YOU ARE GORGEOUS." said Monique's drag queen friend as we got introduced. The prancing fairy just stood there holding my hand looking at me. Anyway, it was good fun.

@ the alternate lifestyle lounge, Flex

We were DANCE! Dance! REvoluTion! obssessed

Saturday of the 29th I finally reconciled with Raquel. I haven't seen her since I was diagnosed back in September. 4 bloody months practically went by. And again of course I was nervous. Okay history on us. We met during my modelling agency days. We needed a receptionist, she came in and interviewed, I loved her, she got hired. The agency closed but we remained friends. Good friends. Best friends really. So it pained me when I didn't hear from her after I called and told her that I definitely had cancer. I couldn't get over it because it didn't make sense to me that she wasn't there for me. How could I be a best friend, better yet how can someone call me her best friend yet she's not around? I would definitely EXPECT for her to be the first one knocking on my apartment door. It stung. So when two weeks rolled around and she emailed me after no contact, explaining herself....I just was still so hurt. She continued to contact me, and it was obvious that she was not going to give up until we physically saw each other and I knew that what I was doing was wrong. And as God teaches us, we're supposed to forgive. After all, we did have a lot of memories. So, we finally saw each other. We just hugged, then laughed, then cried. She too even told me that I look better. Not that I looked bad before but I just look better. In her own words, "You look amazing!" As we talked, she told me that she usually doesn't care about people (this I can vouch for from all the shit talking we do) but when she really cares about someone she really wants them to know "and Sharon, I don't think you understand how much I care about you and how important you are to me. I seriously was depressed and crying and I just said to myself that I have to be patient because I knew that you were going to come around eventually,....I just want you to know that you are making me so proud and you're amazing! I don't know how you do it because I know I definitely couldn't."

We sat there catching up on the 4 months that went by and things are back to good. What a great way to end the year.

Finally, the 30th, I had dinner with my childhood friends. We discussed attending our 10 year high school reunion. I think that we should go! See who's fat, who's rich, who's gay. But it was good times. Grade school and high school were a lot of fun. And it's so wonderful to have friends who knew me back then. And it's even more wonderful that we're all still good friends. We laughed over how I was destined to be the princess out of the group. I was already posing and primping at the wee age of 6. Oy vey. There was a picture of us where we were either 6 or 7 and we were all wearing poofy pink dresses and here I was curtsying with a big smile from ear to ear and here's Marie standing legs so far apart, slouched forward and frowning. Oh mi oh my how some things will never ever change.

What I've learned is that there are some friendships that are like family. Reconciliations and reconnections are sometimes the medicine for a wounded heart --- perhaps even a chemophied heart. As Reverend Run said, "You're net worth is measured by your network" and it's true because right now I've never felt so alive.

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For the first time in an E X T R E M E L Y long time I wasn't out revelling and getting trashed as I usually do on the very last day of the year. I instead stayed indoors and laid low with the family. I basically got "princessed" by Aira the entire night 'til 30 mins before countdown.

And I talked with my beloveds in San Francisco right before the countdown. I joked around with my nephew and I teased him about who he was going to kiss at midnight and as we hung up the phone I overheard him say, "I think she's drunk already," WHAT THE HECK!!!!! I had to call back and tell him that I had absolutely no drop of alcohol in my system nor have I had any in the past 4 months. He laughed and apologized and told me he loved me (still) and it dawned on me: maybe that's one reason why I look so much better. And it hit me even harder that it was my 12 year old NEPHEW telling me what he thinks about myself. I've been struggling for some time about only being known as the party girl. As I refer to as the Tara Reid complex. There's soooo much more to me than partying. Granted yes I do love to have a good time so that probably makes me look like a perpetual drunk but I've always been a goofy rambunctious good time kinda gal! You can ask my friends mentioned above. But that's another thing I've learned this year: cancer is keeping me out of the dark corners I used to frequent and this looming party girl image will finally be shaken off. Taradise Lost.

I also read my journal entry from January 1st 2007:

I looked at myself in the mirror & said 2007 is going to be beautiful.
Because I look beautiful and I'm becoming a woman now. I feel older, I feel
more mature I feel more secure with myself. I really think this year will be a
progression. And I love it. It was a goal to end/start the year classy. No crazy
hoochie outfits, no one night stands. We were going to ride it out in class.
And we did it. Marita and I looked at each other when we woke up and high fived
and said, WE DID IT.

Not only did we/I start the year classy we also ended it classy. WAY TO GO! And CHEERS TO YOU, MY ATTACHED AT THE PALM!!!!! WE DID IT....AGAIN. And little did I know that this journal entry was DEFINITELY a forecast. It definitely has been a beautiful year. My security was definitely challenged. And I've never progressed so much in a short amount of time.

Anyway, HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone. I've already made my New Year's Resolution. All relatively easy. I know that I'll accomplish it this year, finally---a resolution that I stick with.

Call at least one person every week. Repeats allowed but not in consecutive weeks.
Leave in good graces with EVERYONE.
BE CURED.

Simple enough no?

My midnight kiss

NEW YEARS PAST!!!!!!!!!!!

New Years 1998

New Year 2000

New Year 2007

Happy Birthday Charmaine!

I want to wish Charmaine, my niece, a very HAPPY HAPPY 11th birthday! My have you've grown to a beautiful young lil lady!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! ~Tita Sharon

Charmaine's Birthday 2000 and look at her now!

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

2007-12-30T22:41:00.001-08:00

December 16, 2007 - After having a rather interesting weekend, it was nice to relax and help the babies make a gingerbread house. Grrrrrrr did I wish I kept my videocam rolling longer because once I turned it off, the kids started singing Frosty the Snowman while they decorated the gingerbread house. It was the most adorable thing ever because the only lyrics the two knew was Frosty the Snowman! And as if things couldn't possibly get any more adorable, immediately right after the singing, Ken turns to look at me and says, "Manang Sharon, are u feeling bet-tuh now?" with his big cheesy grin. Man.......did that make my heart melt. What a precocious child. The day prior I was in the hospital and for me to be out and about with them he registered that I must be feeling good! Yup, he won brownie points with me that night.

It was the usual Christmas fanfare for the family. It was a good Xmas. Got a lot of goodies again. We started distributing presents around 630. We didn't finish opening gifts until well after 1am. I swear we start opening gifts an hour prior than the previous year.

We did a few Christmas carols, made Christmas stockings, and what's the tiny tots with their eyes all a glow!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERY ONE!!!

Sometimes You're Down Sometimes You're Up

2007-12-16T21:39:00.000-08:00

December 14, 2007 - I had an early CT biopsy. To rejog every one's memory, I had a weird gray mass that came up on my original CT/PET scans where all the Hodgkin tumors were blatantly showing, this gray area my oncology team was not sure about. So I was to undergo my first few cycles of chemo and then have another scan to see if the Hodgkin tumors were shrinking as well as that gray mass. Well, I had a CT scan done December 7 and got the results a few days after. Dr. G actually called me himself at my office therefore I knew that the result can't be good. Well, the gray mass did not shrink comparative to the lymphoma (but at least that's good news -- the Hodgkin tumors are shrinking!) With that said, I needed to have the gray mass biopsied to see if it relates to the Hodgkin, if it's another cancer, or if it's non-cancerous.

The actual biopsy went by "fine"....the radiology team was absolutely awesome! The team consisted of the radiologist, who performed the biospy/sies, 2 CT techs, and the anesthesiologist. Anyway, of course I was down to my panty and that damn hospital robe. I first had to lie down on my belly for the scan. "Good thing I'm wearing plain underwear," Of course they chuckled with that. And of course they commented on my tattoo. They were just good fun. Joking around and laughing--of course not while I had to do my scans. Anyway, to explain a CT biopsy, mine specifically, they were scanning my abdomen and located the gray mass (which are lymph nodes as well). Once spotted, they then measured how far the mass was from my skin surface. Depending on how far deep it was, they would use a needle with that length to aspirate me with. Because I had great back muscles (seriously...the radiologist told me that, actually he asked if I was a swimmer and we all know I can't swim), they wanted to see if they can get to it from my front instead. So I had to roll over and be on my back. I'm glad I'm not ashamed of my body because damn they were seeing all of me! hahaha It was easier to get to the tumor from this side so they began numbing me up and sedating me. While they were shooting me up I told them about my mediport surgery and told them that I hummed I Wannna Be Sedated. Oh, they laughed with that too. "Oh you are a funny one!" They were really diggin on me because while the radiologist was aspirating me, one of the CT techs and the anesthesiologist would hold my hand or pat my forehead. It felt like I had a harem. teeheehee

I think because I talk too much, the sedation didn't kick in as strong as I thought it would. In point because I kept talking to the radiology team while they performed the biopsy. "Sharon, I don't think you're as sedated as I'd like you to be," It was hard to shut up when 4-8 inch needles get poked into your abdomen. If I talked with them, then I couldn't focus on the pain and uncomfortableness I was going through. Grossness....you can feel the tugging and the pulling and just like the bone marrow biopsy, they would insert a needle into the needle that was already in me and aspirate the tumor samples. And the sound....it sounds like a hole puncher.

The moment they would collect a sample, a pathologist, who was also in the room, would hurry and smear it on a petri dish and look at it under the microscope. "Not a good enough read," so they had to continue and aspirate more and more and from different tumor locations. Since none of the samples from me lying on my back were "readable" they decided that they should try and remove samples from me lying on my stomach. I had to roll over again. This didn't hurt as much since I guess I was used to the pain and if anyone's seen my tattoo, it's fairly large.

All in all I ended up getting poked 20 times. That's A LOT of puncturing (is that a word?) to a localized spot. The team joked around saying that you could see through me now! Due to the punctures, I started bleeding internally, which concerned the radiologist considering that my blood counts were critically low. "Do you have any plans tonight?" The question was rather odd but I told him no, but that I did have plans the following night. "I'm not trying to ask you out or anything, (*giggle giggle---too much fun in the operating room!) it's just that you're bleeding internally and I'm concerned that you won't clot," "You're going to release me tomorrow though right!? I have a company party tomorrow evening that I really really do not want to miss! Can you contact my oncologist, I want him to make the decision." He called Dr. G and he agreed. *GULP. I've never had an overnight stay in a hospital.....E V E R. It totally got to my head. Once I got back to Recovery, I couldn't hold back the tears. I was a sobbing buffoon.

The circular black marks are where they removed the biopsy samples. As you can see from the abdomen picture, we sure had fun in the operating room because Dr. Sides also drew a smiley face on me. Good grief! :)-

But the team really liked me. While I was getting set up in Recovery the team told my folks that I was a joy and that I made the day go by fun and that they wished they had more patients like me. "Oh, she's going to be just fine! With an attitude like that she'll make this through!"

Getting wheeled from Recovery was interesting. The nurse asked if I was French. Man, that made my moment -- since I'm also French obsessed. I found it quite odd considering I think I look mainly asian. "I'm not French but I do like French men!"

The elevator opens and it's the Oncology floor. OH MAN. Did THAT get to me even more. I'm not in denial. I know I am sick. I know I have a life-threatening illness. And I deal with it. I handle it. I keep my emotions in check. But just seeing those big blaring words:

ONCOLOGY FLOOR

...it screwed with me. Fuck. I never ever EVER suspected anyone in my general circle to be sick. And I was the last person to ever think I'd ever get this sick. As I laid in that bed getting wheeled past all the other cancer patients' rooms all I could think of was: I can't believe that I am experiencing this right now. I was literally a baby compared to all the other patients. It's one of those feelings where you don't want to be in it, but you're already in it, kind of like drowning in the ocean--do you swim to the surface or do you just sink?

We got to my room and my folks stayed with me. Man. They're so strong too. They were there with me since 7 in the morning. By that time it was already 330 in the afternoon. I don't possibly want to imagine the pain and sorrow that they could be going through too. How can anyone see their child get wheeled from room to room with wires hanging out from them? It's such a helpless feeling really. And I try to not to disappoint or hurt my parents and this illness, at that point in time (and other times when I feel blue), made/makes me feel like I am. And in turn, helpless as well. So it made me just get so emotional too.

Anyway, they left me for a while to grab dinner and round up the rest of the tribe. As I tried to figure out how to work the tv remote and stomach the hospital delicacies, in strolls Dr. G and plop down on the chair next to my bed. Initial reaction: OH MY GAWWWWWWW IT'S DR. GALSKY!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA! *simulate teeny boppers seeing N*Sync. Followed immediately with the second reaction: OH MY GAWWWWWWWWW He's seeing me looking like a pile of horse shit. I hurried and sat up, "Oh-Hey! Hi! You're here!" He came in to check up on me and tell me about the conclusions thus far. Damn, he's so hott. He had on a pin-striped suit too...................excuse me while I pick myself off of the floor.

Anyway, he told me, "I've spoke with Dr. Sides (the radiologist) and I've seen the labs and we both do not read any cancer cells. (Earlier in the day Dr. Sides came to check up on me and told me that he spoke with Dr. G about the biopsy surgery and that Dr. G called a colleague in New York that specializes in lymphoma and told him about my case.) If it does happen to be noncancerous then it changes your diagnosis of a level III to a level II meaning now the tumors are all above the diaphragm. We will still carry on with treatment and we will consider doing radiation once chemotherapy is complete." *GULP! I don't want to do radiation too! I absolutely ADORE my teeth. Everyone loves my teeth. And I don't want to screw up my inards any more further. I love my organs too!

"Could I take a look at your sites," ZOINKS! Noooooooooooooooooo! I didn't want him to see me there! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not while I'm wearing unattractive plain white granny panties! I untied my robe and let him have at me. (*snicker *snicker)

I think it was so awesome that Dr. G made it out to see me though. And that he called his colleague from Sloan Kettering to get guidance. Just shows that he's a good doctor. A hott good doctor.

The tribe and one of my girlfriends dropped by to see me too. It was comforting to see them come by. I rested easily that night.

I was released the following day a little after noon. That gave me 6 hours to get ready and arrive at the holiday company party.

December 15, 2007 - I was stoked that I wouldn't be missing my holiday party after all. I was really looking forward to seeing all my coworkers. Plus, I'm your typical glamazon and I was stoked to get all dolled up and look my very best. The party was a ton of fun. I had a great time. And I was impressed with how amazing I looked and the energy I had considering I was just released from the hospital 5 hours prior....as well as wearing 5" heels.

Here are a couple shots from the party. I didn't let illness stop me from gettin'down, feelin' glamorous, living life!

Channeling Britney

2007-12-05T18:23:00.000-08:00

So I've been trying to live life like I'm not incapacitated. I used to be a HARDCORE dancer from 8th grade to my 2nd to final semester in college. Horn tooting: I used to be placed in the front of the stage every performance; that's how passionate I was and dammit, that's how good I was. So yeah, I haven't danced in over 5 years. I had to see if I still had it in me.

Although I was definitely channeling Britney's comeback MTV VMA performance, I thought I didn't do toooooo bad considering I've been on dancing hiatus for 5 years and I'm chemophied.

Then me and the cousins decided to go Von Trapp Family with our own modern twist. It was good fun.

Then on December 1, 2007, Nicole and I went to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Turkey Bowl where you bowl with a turkey. I did so poorly! I had chemo the morning before, that's my story and I'm sticking with it! That turkey is heavy and cold and slimy....But hey! Being the lowest scorer got me a prize! YIPPIE! I won 4 tickets to see comedian Ron Lucas. Don't know when I'm going to go but I need to go soon.

Speaking of chemo, I went in November 30, 2007 for my 4th round: end of Treatment #2. Man talk about inflat my head. Right away as the receptionist saw me,"Ohmigosh! You look like you just came off a plane from Paris!!!! You look absolutely adorable! You just made my day!" And well the compliments kept flooding. ALL THE NURSES complimented me on how I looked, "Oh you are so cute!" "Sharon's our eye candy because she always comes in here looking so cute!" "Man, we should have taken her with us to go shopping for our dresses for the holiday party," and as I left the chemo room, "Oh I just love her,"

Here's my outfit! Tres Chic!

One gal who was accompanying her mom to chemo didn't even realize I was a patient. When one of the nurses finished hooking me up she leaned to me and said, "I thought you were a pharmaceutical sales rep,"

I recently watched Jubilee with Kristin. Very boobalicious show. It was so odd. Actually more ackward then anything. There was just so many topless showgirls. It made me uncomfortable. Then all of a sudden they would be clothed and I would get weirded out again because you get used to seeing them topless and then they're clothed!?!?!?! It's a weird paradox.

I've also had mini reunions throughout the week. Which was really pleasing. These are friends that have always meant a lot to me. I stopped talking to both of them for different reasons. And during tough times like these you want your true friends by your side. I would look at who I currently have/had and it just sucks that I don't have anyone to really turn to in Las Vegas. And I would think about past friendships that ended. Past friendships that were great & I knew deep down inside that if I still had those friendships they would be there holding me up along the way. BUT I mean how can you rekindle a friendship when you're sick? I didn't want to reach these two because it felt very PITY ME. After not speaking or seeing each other in years it's uncomfortable to muster the courage to call and also say, "BTW I have cancer," I just didn't want them to feel like I was reaching out to them because I'm not well. I wanted to reach them because I missed them. And well, when you're in my condition, you try and make the most out of the days you have. Are you spending them the way you want? So I made it a point to contact them as soon as I get better. But as we have it, through grapevine they heard of my condition and contacted me instead.

I had dinner with Marie. My Dear Sweet Marie. My sidekick from the day I was born until we lost touch 2-3 years ago. I haven't seen her since then. And when we saw each other this past Friday at PF Chang's, as if no time came between us. There was absolutely no ackwardness, no need for reintroduction. We sat there for over 4 hours talking about everything: our good times in the past and I mean past---our good ol' kooky days in middle school, reliving our vile & viciousness comments over people from high school, and our falling out. We talked about life now and our future. I was very sentimental.

The following day I had Erin come over. I've known her for 4 years now and we had our falling out practically exactly a year ago. And the same thing with her. As if time never even passed us by. We picked up right where we left off. She came bearing gifts too--"It's not exactly a Christmas present but..." "It's my You-Have-Cancer gift!" We then headed out the the mall for some Xmas shopping. Now she's my girlfriend where for some damn reason WE ALWAYS get unintentional attention. I honestly think it's the whole Betty & Veronica complex but MAN!!! Everywhere we go people just want to talk to us! Hmmm, I know that she and I definitely have that look with that smile with that, "What are you up to?!?!?" thing. Back to our old shenanigans of yore. Anyway, I scored me 3 phone numbers that afternoon!!!!! THREE NUMBERS! YIPPIE!!!!! I haven't done that in F O R E V E R!!! It was so refreshing! It's been a while since I felt cancerless and during our hoorah at the mall, I really felt like my B.C.(before cancer) self. I felt pretty and normal and just jolly! That's what was so great about being with Erin. She has a way to make me feel it's okay to be myself and relaxed and she's so accepting of my kooky goofy ways. I guess cuz she's the same way. That was the first time in a really long time where I've laughed so hard, blushed, and just felt so at ease and so refreshed and invigorated.

Pia also came up and visited me. It's always nice spending time together. Although others may not understand you I definitely do. You're more than a great friend. I'm looking forward to going to South America with you in the near future.

The company holiday party is coming up. I'm still planning on attending although I will be having chemo the day before but I bought a pair of these fabulous gold shoes to go with the dress I'm wearing!!!! I love them to pieces. So, therefore I have to go! hahaha

Life is Good

2007-11-19T20:21:00.000-08:00

Although I had to suffer through all that pain following my 2nd round of chemo, this past week was absolute bliss. I made a deal with myself that I would go out everyday of the week since I haven't really been taking advantage of my time off. And that's exactly what I did. I rounded up my mini-me, Nicole and went "shopping" at my fave mall: Fashion Show. Then we went make-up psycho in Sephora in Venetian! It was good times.

I also hung out with Kristin where we walked up & down The Strip.

Then my lovely lovely Lorgen from SJ flew down for lil ol me! *Together now: Awwwwwwwwwww! Man it was real good fun when she was here. It was the fusion of Local and Tourist, where we too walked The Strip two days in a row and ventured around Town Square, which really made me feel like I was back in the Midwest or O.C. We even hit up my much missed stomping grounds, Hard Rock. Yes, I drank....mocktails! Heck, I wanted to look rockin too, carrying a faux Cosmopolitan! Anyway, Miss Lorgen and I have been friends since my Cali days. It was so much fun looking at pictures of us from 8th grade! hahaha We talked about how we met, and it was with my then boyfriend, Abe, which I would like to recognize as well. Abe was my puppy love romance, my last Cali boyfriend and first in Vegas (for those that are slow to catch on, we were together when I still lived in Cali and maintained our relationship when I moved to Vegas). Anyway, it's been Y E A R S since we've talked. In fact, he's already gone on with his life, having a daughter and getting married. Yet it touched my heart so much and it was icing on the cake for an already great day when I received an email from him wishing me the best. I've always wanted to be loved completely and wholeheartedly and because of this man, at least I've experienced that once in my lifetime. I told him because of him, he has been the standard of what I look for in a man. So thank you, Abelard.

Anyway, back to Miss Lorgen. She missed her MAN'S BIRTHDAY to be with me, and to me that speaks, no wait, yells volumes! For the 14 yrs I've known you, Lorgen, you have been that outspoken, opinionated, hard edged-sophisticated WOMAN with such a soft soft warm heart! It cracks me up! You're a living oxymoron! hahaha YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!!!!! I really don't know how I could ever repay you for the kindness you've given me throughout the decades, yes it WILL be decades! Hmm, maybe my first born? You're a force to be reckon with, and I admire your tenacity! LOVE YA GIRL!

Okay, I also had my third round of chemo today too. My dad and sis were able to come in and keep me company. Which was cool. We made it a wannabe coffee shop, the two sipping on their Starbucks while I "sipped" on chemo. My chemo buddies were there too, but I didn't get a chance to snap a shot with them. I'll be going back to work too this Friday. I'm still very up and running, no pain...yet. But as always I'll keep you all posted.

In addition, it feels GGGRRRRRREAT (*a la Tony the Tiger) that people are still hollerin at cha girl! Toldja I'd make cancer fabulous! *blow of the fingernails Not bad for a cancer girl!

Finally, I'm also featured in a website called Prepare to Live. This website is for us smokin hott cancer badasses and babes. Feel free to read about me! YAY! http://www.preparetolive.org/html/resources/profiles/sharon.html

Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has been showing their support. I've been receiving a lot of word from those long lost friends. It's been nice hearing from you all. THANK YOU 3x for your continued thoughts and prayers, my loyal supporters. You're in mine too.

PICTURES OF THE WEEK

Nicole & I trannying it out @ Sephora

Vegas Vacation

With my mocktail:

During my 3rd treatment!

Horrow Show

2007-11-14T10:50:00.000-08:00

I've been in so much pain. I had really really bad throbbing headaches all of last week. It was pounding constantly it felt like my eyes were going to bugg out of their sockets. Plus, I had side effects from my Nuelasta shot. The pain started in what seemed to be my ribs. It made my body kinda shake or convulse. It was strange. Then the pain moved down to my pelvis and lower back. Shooting pains. If I have to compare it to something it would be pregnancy contractions because they would happen, then go away, but then come back but more intense, then go away, then come back quicker and more MORE intense. The pain also began to include my outer thighs. Like it seriously was weird because it would make me shake when the pain came. All the physical pain would keep me up at night. If I could manage to fall asleep, I would wake back up in a few hours. I averaged probably 3-4 hours of sleep a night. And to top it all off. My hair is falling out uncontrollably. It's very traumatic, very horror show to see your hair fall out. In the shower, blow drying my hair, combing it with my fingers, waking up it's all over my pillow, sitting, standing, walking -- it doesn't matter, it J U S T F A L L S O U T!!!!! I'm predicting that I'll be chemolicious by the new year if not by Christmas.

When I get out of the shower and comb my hair:

THIS is how much hair came out just from combing my hair with my fingers....disturbing yes I know....

More horrow show: pile of hair collected after blowdrying:

Surprisingly, I still look like I have a lotta hair. But you can see that my hair is thinning. My cousin took a shot of me while I was chillin':

Oh, well. I have a bunch of scarves and wigs for a reason! I just wear hats right now since I'm balding from the front. I'm gonna be koala-phied! It's been a week and a half and I've grown used to it now. Sometimes I get bummed if I don't get any hair falling since you just get so used to it falling out all over. teeheehee But what really bums me is that I have HAIR everywhere else....and I'm not allowed to shave with a razor. Did I mention that I don't like buzzers?

*sigh At least I still have my eyebrows and lashes!

Update

2007-11-06T22:18:00.000-08:00

November 6, 2007 - I received and completed my first treatment of chemo yesterday. Everything went by smoothly. Unfortunately before they started the chemo I got bloodwork done and my numbers weren't good. My WBC-white blood cell count was critically low. But luckily my RBC's-red blood cells were normal. If my RBC's were ever to drop I'd have to be hospitalized since I would be considered anemic. Let's hope and pray that that will NEVER happen throughout treatment and after. Today I did have to go back CCCN to get a Neulasta shot. This shot is supposed to bring my blood counts back up to a stable condition. Side effects include bone pain (since our blood cells are created in our bone marrow). It didn't hurt. And so far I don't feel any pain.

It's kind of fun going in for chemo though. I meet so many cancer badasses when I go. I'm not dogging breast cancer by any means--I support all cancers and finding a cure, but practically every female I meet there has breast cancer. Therefore they automatically assume I have it as well. One gal did say to me upon revealing I have lymphoma---, "Which one?" "Hodgkin's," "Oh, you got the 'good' cancer," ***phew phew phew. Anyway, it's just a lot of fun because you definitely build this comraderie. We would talk about which oncologist we're being treated by and all the time I tell them I have Galsky, I get the facial reaction of: you lucky ass and the replies of, "Ahhh, you're seeing the attractive, young one....." Hey man, whatever gets me by and motivates me to come. An older gentleman there received a call from his daughter and he replied, "Oh, I'm doing great honey. Of course I'm doing great because I'm surrounded by all these beautiful women!" After he hung up the phone he asked us when we would be coming back since he wants to take a picture with us to prove that he is surrounded by beautiful women. *Charmed. So I told him that I would dawn a great dress, wear one of my wigs, and pose like a showgirl for him! The other Cancer Babes agreed that they would do the same! Awwwww, it's like my newfound sorority! Lookin' forward to starting Treatment #2 Cycle 1 0f 2 of #2 with Natalie, Gin, and Geno (along with his wife, Pearl).

Dr. Galsky also was impressed that I was able to do the entire walk. When he was asking about how I was feeling, I told him what was going on and I told him that I was able to do the 2K walk and he looked up at me from his notes with a face like, "Oh, really!" and replied,"That's great!"

I guess that's how my body is going to react from treatment: yesterday I was TOTALLY up and running didn't take any naps whatsoever like the first round. BUT the following day, like today, I was just a napping fool. I'm expecting I will be like that up until Friday since that's how I was the first time around too. I missed out on my Team Meeting for work today too. I hardly get to see all my colleagues all at the same time since we're all based out on different properties but it's okay--although I really wanted to see two of them. There's always the holiday party next month! I'm also neglecting my friendships a bit too. It was Pia's bday yesterday and I didn't have enough strength to give her a phone call. And I wanna talk with Richelle too. I promise I will call you both by the end of this week.

Anyway, it's been a blessing and not much of a blessing being on personal leave. I get to totally catch up on my couch potato time watching exorbitant amounts of E!, MTV, VH1, ANTM and HGTV. I love it yet it sucks because I have made permanent dents on the couches. At least I get up and do the treadmill or stationary bicycling while I watch the tube. I'm stoked that Amazing Race started back up & Project Runway will soon! Just in time before I get back to work full time!

More faraway relos visited too! It's great seeing all these people coming out to support me! I look forward to the weekends since I've had visitors every weekend thus far. BUT I don't think I'll have any well-wishers this weekend.

Anyway, I'm keeping this one short and sweet. My head really hurts and I just want to lie down. Plus I'm feeling a little down--I need to spoon with someone, hahaha. Take care everyone. LOVE YA.

Beautiful red roses from Modesto!

Right after my second round of chemo. I still look normal! YESSSS! hahaha

Thanks to Tito Flor, Tita Nita, and Ate Zel for visiting me. I know that you guys wanted to be there for Light the Night but there's always next year!!!! And that goes for everyone too that wanted to be there! It was great catching up with you, Elizel. We're the chemo brainers! hahahah Or should I say you're W Sr. I'm W and Nicole is W Jr. hahahaha And like how we ended our conversation yesterday, next year will be a year filled with good news!!!!! You and your sisters are like my own sisters. I know that we're cousins but you three sure have come out like my own sisters and I think it's soooo awesome just feeling the love from you all! WAAAAAA! Looking forward to reuniting again---all of us!

P.S.

My hair is starting to fall out. Not in chunks, but in strands.

LIGHT THE NIGHT!

2007-10-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

October 27, 2007 the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society held the annual Light the Night Walk. This event is to honor and celebrate those living with blood related cancers. It is also to raise awareness and raise funds to help find a cure. I want to commend my sister, Antonette and my mom, Tessie for raising over $1600. I also would like to thank those of you who had contributed. It's really touching to know the amounts that some of you contributed in particular my dad's cousin in London who contributed the greatest amount of $250. One day there will be a cure. If you have not contributed but would like to, please go to http://www.lls.org/ and click on donate.

After I received my treatment, I was a bit narcoleptic, and take naps throughout the day due to being slightly drained. I hoped and prayed that I would be well enough to attend this event. God listened to my prayers and I was able to attend AND do the entire walk too! This event was extremely important to me. I wanted to meet other survivors and I wanted to join my supporters too. I wanted to feel that I was strong enough and well enough to do this walk. I feel really blessed that I'm as mobile and as functioning as I am. AND I still have all my hair--for now! (**Monday, October 29 I went in for blood work and my blood counts are all high for white, red, and platelets! GOD and Galsky ROCK!)

Anyway, what should have been a joyous occasion for me ended somber. I was disappointed and disheartened about it all. Reason #1) I was getting so emotional. Looking at my family in their Clan of W shirts. They were wearing those in honor of me! It just made me realize how taxing this is on them too. I don't think people realize how much effort and time caregivers and supporters provide as well. And just knowing that I am doing this to them too (unwillingly) it broke my heart. To just know the emotional pain I'm putting them through too. It gets unbearable sometimes. Reason #2) I was disappointed to not have a single friend come out. I kind of felt dissed. I'm still the same Sharon at least I would like to think so. I would do it for any of them. Reason #3) I guess I wasn't the proud Cancer Glamazon as I thought I was. As we marched into that intramural field I got overwhelmed: dude, I have cancer. I don't want cancer. Why do I have cancer? We are here because I HAVE CANCER. As we walked on through, volunteers at the nearby tents cheered us, one even saying, "Oh boy! Look at that group! It's a big one!" and then I walk by, "Oh, and there's the survivor because look at her shirt! (**thanks again Richelle! Girl! I got sooooooo many looks and compliments for that shirt! Galsky should pay us for marketing him! hahaha)" but when I heard that, a broke out into tears, "I'm not one yet!!!!!! I'm going through it right now!!!!!" OH MAN! They all rushed out of the tent and consoled me, "You WILL be one! Chin up!" From that I got a bunch of survivor goodies though! :)

It just all got to me. I wanted my old life back. I didn't want to go through with it all anymore. Fear took over me. Is my body going to react with my next treatment since my first one went by so well? Will I be able to take on the pain--physical, emotional, psychological? Then my fear really started to escalate--was I even properly diagnosed? How come I feel so fine-is the chemo even working? (Not saying that I want those unpleasant side effects but I TRULY feel blessed that I am in the physical state that I am in.) I'm having premature menopause---*gasp! Will I still be able to bear children! It was all getting to me.

I finally put my foot down. Sharon.......this is your life FOR NOW. Think about what you are thinking about RIGHT NOW. Think about what you are doing RIGHT NOW. I thought about those reasons again and put positive spins on them.

POSITIVE SPINS

Reason #1 - My family loves me. And they care about me. And they'll go out of their way and do what they can. I want to thank the following for participating in the walk: Antonette, Mommy, Uncle Steve, Auntie Elaine, Aaron, Ken, Nolan, Nicole, Maricel, Uncle Ampong, Auntie Mila, Chad, Jerome, Barry, Bradley, Esteban, Uncle Bobby, and my mom's friend, Reyna. Although it does break my heart to see any of you cry, it was encouraging to know that you would (literally) walk with me through this. Nicole said it best and I concur 100%: it's so cool to have a family as close as ours. I'm truly lucky and truly blessed to have them. They are so cool and so much fun to be around. Whomever I'm swapping wedding bands with is going to be one lucky bastard too!

I do want to give special attention to Nicole and Bradley. The two raised a bit of money for the Society and they should be recognized for that even if Bradley got the money from his friend, Bradley! (haha You're funny!)

I also want to recognize Antonette who took charge of this whole event. She designed the Clan of W shirts and coughed over a TON of expenses and time for this event. She has been REMARKABLE throughout out my whole cancer experience: providing me with books, research, cards, and just love, support and prayers!!!! She's a wonderful Big Sister. I don't say it enough and I don't think I could ever truly express who much admiration I have for you. THANK YOU! I pray that God will bless you with all the wonders that I am learning and that He keeps you healthy and gets you that thorough-bred, straight, christian McDreamy McSteamy one day soon!

Reason#2 - People have other lives and priorities. I'll give that to them. I already know that I really have to be tough for myself anyway for it is me that is enduring this. At least some of them donated. Besides I'm receiving a lot of love from my far-away friends. Pia visited my cancer-ass twice and came bearing goodies!!!! Girl, I WISH you didn't give me that Fifteen Puzzle. I'm OBSESSED! I can't put it down. I feel so Idiot Savant or Rain Man with that thing. I've solved all 'cept the impossible puzzles. And Gladys and Roffna took time outta their Vegas Vacation to see me. Now how long have I known you Cuties?!?!? Thank you guys for coming (and bearing goodies too!) it means a lot to me! I hope you all know that! After my Ft. Ord Vixens left, my mom told me that friends who want to be my friends will show they care and will be friends. They are doing it because they want to do it. That's a part of friendships. They are effortless.

Reason #3 - I have cancer. There's no way around it. I have it, therefore I have to cure it. Am I going to let this consume me both figuratively and literally? I think I'm living proof of the power of the P's: Prayers and Positivity. I lost sight for a moment. I thought about all the things that I have to look forward to after treatment: getting my health back as close as I can BC; going back to work and back to travelling---now I THOUGHT I'D NEVER SAY THIS but I do miss my jet set life; back to taking personal trips -- I still have yet to visit Cherie in her new Seattle condo, Gladys in her new Texas love nest, and Richelle in Manhattan for our Sex and the City premier; growing back my hair to 2' again; looking for love seriously; being a baby popper; growing old with everyone!

Anyway, I've attached photos and video clips from the Light the Night event. If you'd like to view more please go to: http://www.kodakgallery.com/Slideshow.jsp?mode=fromshare&Uc=9w9u79u.3wtpfrpu&Uy=bi6i3e&Ux=0 to view the album.

Nolan, Nicole, Maricel, and Antonette prepared the banner:

Team Clan of W!!!!!!

The 2 mile walk just begun!

The introduction of the Clan of W:

A close up of my banner:

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO PARTICIPATED IN THE LIGHT THE NIGHT EVENT WHETHER THROUGH DONATING OR WALKING. YOUR EFFORTS ARE RECOGNIZED AND ONE DAY THERE WILL BE A CURE FOR NOT ONLY THIS CANCER BUT FOR ALL CANCERS.

This is a vacation....

2007-10-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

....that's what it surely feels like. I've been feeling good since Monday. Sometimes I get the occasional lightheadedness and I think I need to vomit but I never actually do. So I don't know if I'm just subconsciously making myself feel that way. I do get tired and I've taken a few naps here and there but I'm glad that I'm still very mobile and functioning.

My hair is all still there. And my bowel movements are still normal---still no luck with the red pee though. *sigh (And yes, I would have taken a picture of it if it did.)

Thanks for visits from Auntie Iya, Pia, and Nolan. And thanks for the text messages from everyone.

I just hate being couped in home. I do feel like I'm in isolation. Because this is my first cycle and we don't know how I'll react, I've just been staying put. I want to go out so badly and just enjoy the day or go to the mall--do something productive. I can't believe I'm going to say this but I wish I was at work! I wish I was working. I'm so bored. I miss my coworkers. I miss being out.

On the bright side, I am very grateful that I am not feeling the typical side effects of chemo. I'm so tempted to jump on a treadmill or go out jogging. I'm just nervous that I'm going to faint or collapse somewhere.

I am stoked that I'll FINALLY get to shower now that I've hit day 10 today! No more third world style bathing! YESSSS!

Oh, and for those of you who want to see General Galsky, you can view his bio on www.cccnevada.com and go to medical team and click on his name! Va-va-voom! MUCH DREAMIER in person. The real deal is always better. And those credentials -- yummmm! hahaha

Pia & Richelle: Thank you girls again for your continued support. (WAAAAAAA!) I got the shirt, Riche, and I'll rock it! I can't gauge how my Team Captain will react when he sees it on me but hey, I'll ask him if he will be willing to take a picture with me. I'll use the Cancer Card if I have to! And the silk scarf you got me from Nordstrom's is dripping with Sharon Cancer Glamazon, Pia! I love it! It's so very Jackie-O! I miss you ladies so much!

I woke up this morning.....

2007-10-22T20:13:00.000-07:00

.....the sunshine was shining. I put on a happy face. I'm living, I'm able, I'm thankful, I'm grateful to put on a happy face.

Dude, I felt like a Disney Princess, I'll pick Snow White due to the hair, but anyway, I swore I was going to see a blue jay fly into my room and perch on my pointer finger & whistle a song with me. I was just in good spirits. I treated it like any other typical day----which consisted of my habitually taking my time getting ready. Yet I treated it as me a conquistador preparing for battle. I read and reread my wall of inspiration.

Asked God to guard me from every evil, to guard my life, to guard my coming and going. Focused on why I'm doing this and what I'm fighting for.

And it being my first chemo day I wanted to be comfortable yet being me - I still needed to look fashionable. I decided to Posh my hair than Jackie-O it since I knew I was going to see Team Captain. (*heartbeat *heartbeat)

I drove to my parents' and once I arrived I popped in my first antibiotic (Emend). I'm supposed to take it an hour before treatment. Then we were off to CCCN.

We arrived there 18 mins before schedule. Yes, I know I was Snow White all morning but that car ride there I started to freak out a bit I could feel the tears beginning to form but I started praying to The Lord that I did not want to cry because I wanted to look cool in front of my parents---so I threw on my Jackie-O shades to mask any sadness/fear. I didn't cry though. *Thank you Jesus.

Although I was scheduled for 1pm, I did not speak with Dr. Galsky until 1:45pm. They were slammed with patients and EVERYONE is already an hour behind schedule. My MUGA test and pulmonary function both came back normal--healthy heart, healthy lungs.

I was finally brought into the spa, oops, I mean Chemo Room around 2pm.

2:15pm - The saline solution was started. They rubbed an alcohol swab on my mediport for about 30 secs. Then poked it with the IV line. Man, although this mediport is probably going to leave an ugly scar I'm grateful that I have it. I DESPISE getting IV through the vein--it hurts! But with the mediport--didn't feel a thing! Plus, it's so high up on my chest, when I look down I can't see it. Out of sight out of mind.

2:43pm - Steroids are injected (GGGGGRRRREAATTT. I'm going to be one of those patients that gain weight from chemo. G R E A T.) for nausea & vomiting. It lasts up to 3 days. It was pronounced deca-drone.

3pm - IT'S CHEMO HOUR!!!!!!!!!! Yessssssssssssssss! Time for my chemo cocktail.

Chemo is practically toxin. Poison. My nurse wore a robe and DOUBLE GLOVED. She DOUBLE GLOVED. She said that if it were to touch the skin it will damage the tissue and/or scar. As she brought out the Fox Force Four I see the movie 300 in my mind. Except I have four smoking hott babes in place of the Spartans. "THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" [Imagination Time: a line crosses out Sparta and is replaced with: SHARON LEE ALBANO ANDRES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Vinblastine was the first out of my Fox Force Four deployed. She's a 6'0'' Kimora Lee Simmons look-a-like but with electric blue hair. [Imagination Time: Japan anime complete with the multi-colored sunbeam background and Kanji characters. Vinblastine comes soaring into the image, her dark blue, knee high stiletto boots entering first, panning the rest of her body, her electric blue hair whipping all over. Cue in Japanese girl voice: VINBLASTINE!!! The multi-colored sunbeam changes color reminiscent to Power Rangers or Transformers or She-ra/He-Man.]

"Yay! Time for my chemo cocktail! 4 shots! I'm a shot kinda-gal!"

(*giggle) "That's a way to think of it!" Should I let her in on the Fox Force 4?

The following picture is the "draw back" or "looking for the blood" the nurse talks about in the video clip.

The nurse had to "push" the chemo through the IV 2 cc's at a time per minute until all of the chemo was given.

Immediately following Vinblastine, I was given Adriamycin, the Kool Aid Chemo! (The nurse warned me that this chemo makes my pee and tears red too. Gross.) [Insert Imagination Time for Adriamycin. She's a fiery redhead with hot red patent leather boots--teeheehee!]

3:20pm - Dacarbazine was given but not with a syringe. It was a bag but I chose not to take a picture of it because it brought back horrible, wretched memories of my ER experience I had during this summer. (*shoulder shudder) [Insert Imagination Time. Dacarbazine has long flowing wavy lavendar hair. She reminds me of Angelina Jolie.]

While Dacarbazine was doing her sassy Fox Force 4 moves, I met Laurie, a breast cancer patient and fellow Cancer Babe--oops! I mean Cancer Cougar. She just kept smiling at me.

Cancer Cougar: You're too young & too pretty to be in here.

Hozhoni: (shrug) What can I say.

Cancer Cougar: You just work with the card you're dealt right? (& that's the Cancer Card -muah-hahah! *Please refer to last blog) So what are you in here for?

Hozhoni: I have Hodgkin Lymphoma. What are you in here for? (Man, it's like prison! But ya know, as I entered the Chemo Room I was hoping to spot a dashing, straping young lad---no avail. Since my dream of snagging Team Captain Galsky is dust in the wind I was hoping I'd have a: "So how'd you two meet?" *said in unison "We met in chemo!" *smile at each other beaming, lil red hearts float & vaporize into the air moment)

Me & Cancer Cougar Laurie talked for the entire Dacarbazine deployment. She's a tough cookie--Laurie's cancer reoccurred after being in remission for over 10 years. She's worried that this time it has spread to her bones. I told her that I would pray for her and I'd like all you to say a quick prayer for her as well. She's now one of my CFFs - Chemo Friends Forever.

This bag took an hour to take. Before they started the fourth chemo, my nurse wanted to make sure every drop was given, "Gotta make sure every drop of your expensive chemo is given!" Yummmm....Maxwell Coffee style-good to the last drop!

4:31pm -[Insert Imagination Time. Bleomycin has a lime green bob. She rocks a Sunshine Canary yellow pleated mini skirt. She's a giggler--like MEEEEEE!!!!] This one was given through a bag as well but only lasted about 10 mins.

I could now feel my chemo cocktail swirling throughout my body. It feels like a tingling, cool sensation. From head to toe.

4:55pm - Chemo Part 1 of 2 of Cycle 1 officially ended. "VERY NICE!!!!!!!!!!!"

5:03pm - I had to pee me a waterfall. I was disappointed that it wasn't red.

5:06pm - I'm doing good. I'm glad that everything went well. I'm doing just fine (for now--it may be a delayed reaction to the chemo. I may very much feel like crap tomorrow.) See, I'm still very much cheesy and greasy!

12:26am- I know I KNOW! WHY ON EARTH am I still up! I'm an insomniac! I promise I'll go to sleep once I finish this. I'm still feeling fine. A bit lightheaded but that could be due to sleep deprivation. Anyway, I feel fine -- for now. I'm just having issues of not touching my face, biting my lip, rubbing my eyes, picking my nose, and popping my zits! I don't think I can last 6 mths of not doing that! Well, I'm allowed to rub my eye or touch my face only AFTER washing my hands.

Ya know, I'm very very fortunate that so far my cancer experience has been extremely pleasant and good spirited. I definitely want to keep the positive momentum going. And I believe it's because I have all of you praying and sending me your positive energy. THANK YOU GUYS!!! I've been praying a lot myself too. God's a giving God. Never selfish, always patient. THANK YOU GOD!!!

"Think about what you're fighting for. You're fighting for a life with us forever." - Nolan

"You're proof that cancer cannot spread to the heart." - Antonette

Countdown...

2007-10-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

[In red, I still have to upload the video clips and photos, so my loyal blog readers, come back again and check up on them!]

In approximately 19 hours I will be undergoing my first cycle of chemotherapy. It's just so crazy how this whole cancer-shmancer changes your life. L I T E R A L L Y every second matters. Every second is captured and filtered and processed and experienced and is meaningful.

Weds, October 17, I had my final baseline test: pulmonary function. I had to sit in this chamber that looks similar to those mini cars they drive in Europe. Then they had this semi-huge contraption in front of me that had a stick attached to it which I needed to blow into. I had to cup my mouth around it (looks like a scuba gear thingy) and they clipped my nose. Basically this test measures the amount of oxygen my body intakes. Now it made no sense to me why they scheduled my mediport installation the day before because it was still sore and I was concerned that with me blowing hard into this tube I would rip open the incision. The doctor administering the test told me to still blow as hard as I could because this test is still very important because, "You don't want them to look at the results of this test and then think that there is something wrong with your lungs. I know it's tough but you gotta just push all that air out of your lungs," Mind over matter. I was the Big Bad Wolf huffing and puffing blowing those cancer cells down to THA GROUND! (Man, I am such a warrior....I mean seriously! Everything that I have endured so far, I can't even BELIEVE that I have been courageous through it all!)

Friday, October 19, I had my housewarming party. Friends from far and wide gathered: of course my wonderful family was there, Marita and Jamie drove down from San Fran, Alvie from SoCal, Kristin from Boston(well, she moved here from there but just drove down that week) and Beverly were all there. It was RIDICIOUSLY funny cramming all those people into my 760 sq ft. chateau. I'm sure everyone appreciated my imaginary dining room---it was well used playing cards!....[insert video clip]

The younger set of "twins" in the family

Tito Bob in his "recreation pants" a la Nacho Libre

one of the bestest cakes ever! Thanks Chef Kristin!

SoCal-ers in the house!
The Bay Area! Can you feel me!?!

"I look like Manang Sharon," Yes, you do my Ading Nicole so just know that you will grow to be super fabulous too! **minus any cancer!

Saturday, October 20, I had a long pow wow with Ading Marita. Talked about cancer-shmancer and how I'm unsurprisingly positive. And I have been but because I know that it is fastly approaching (18 hours and 40 mins and counting...) I've been crying. I'm kind of glad that my chemo got postponed. Its too much for me to process having to babysit my mediport site and then having to handle the chemo too...

I've been such a warrior, such a Spartan...I have to go through with this. I have my ammunition and attack plan ready. The real question is does cancer have its ammo ready? It always jumps back and forth between being GI Jane. Then I would be High Society and envision this as going to the spa to get "pampered." I love going to the spa. Gotta substitute a pleasurable experience for an excruciating one.

We talked about the physical and emotional pain. Without pain there is no beauty. Why did I have to be so beautiful?!?!? :)

We later went wig shopping. **I know I know, I said that I wasn't going to do the whole wig route and that I was going to be a proud cancer babe -- and trust me I will be and I am. I wouldn't be Sharon Cancer Glamazon and be true to form! -- but I'm going to miss having SOME KIND OF HAIR! Plus, although I am already a Platinum card member for the Cancer Card (*swipe *cha-ching!), I don't want to look like a poster child for cancer babes. I will rock the scarves and hats still but wearing wigs are so much fun! Now I know why Britney Spears shaved her head!** It felt eerie walking into there looking at all those styrofoam heads with different styles of wigs all over the place. "Can we help you?" "Yeah, I'm looking for a wig," "(looking at me like I'm a retard) Ohhhhhkay, let me get someone to help you find a wig...." New sales associate, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I'm looking for a wig," "(looking at me like I'm the biggest douche bag) Ohhhhhhhhhkay," "(*swipe *cha-ching) I'm going to be loosing my hair some time soon since I'll be starting chemo on Monday, so I want a wig that will make me still look fabulous," "(*clear throat; paradigm shift) Oh, okay come on! Let's get started! (big plastic smile) And so you know, because this is medical we give you a discount. $40 off the first wig and half off on the second," Damn, I love the Cancer Card, PRICELESS.

We tried on numerous styles. Playmate styles.....stripper styles.....Granny styles.....60's.....70's.....this one too short....this one too big.....DISCO DADDY-O!!!! I found one that I really liked. To mix things up I wanted to get a short style as well. BINGO! I wish we could have taken pictures of all the ridiculous wigs we tried on but NO PHOTOS ALLOWED.

Later that evening we went out for a night out on the town. We ate dinner at one of the top sushi restaurants on the planet: Nobu! Dude, did I milk it! I ate EVERY raw roll imaginable. Stuffed myself silly with it. Heck, I can't eat it for at least 6 months---this bitch is goin' all out! (The bill for our half ran up to $112---*swipe *cha-ching! THANKS JAMIE!) [INSERT SUSHI PIXS] And since this was my last hurrah in Vegas nightlife I sashayed & sauntered & strutted all around my perpetual stomping grounds: Hard Rock Hotel. For being a Cancer Vixen, I still got it like that. One brave soul approached me rather than just fawn over me: I met a Canadian that spent way too much time on me.....he hearts me because he wants to take me out to dinner!!!!! The realization of dating during and after cancer surfaced. When and how would I tell potential Sharon's-notches-on-her-Yves St. Laurent-belt? It was weird. Would they view this as a turn-off or a turn-on? The thought of it made me anxious. He was my test run. It was great telling embellished stories about why my right chest was bandaged up: "Oh, this? I'mma thug; it's a bullet wound," "This thing, I'm a rock star; just got a dragon tattoo," Or why this professional alcoholic wasn't drinking, "Oh, I'm allergic to alcohol," Anyway, can't stop now! More to divide and conquer! We headed home to freshen up and have a lil fun and rock the wigs. Marita wore the short style and I wore the long. It was so hilarious. We went to the bar and the bartender was fawning over me. We decided to have a little more fun and went to the bathroom to do a switch-a-roo and swapped wigs. We returned to the bar and the bartender was so perplexed,"What happened?!?!?" You can see it all over his face that homeboy was CONFUSED!!! Marita and I looked at him like nothing happened and he was a weirdo, "What do you mean what happened?" Man, was it great twisting with people's mind. [INSERT WIG SWAP]

(My Grandma and Mom had in on the fun too! They tried on my long hair wig too!)

October 21, today, we went to church. My life is sooooo scripted. Mass was all about being persistent with prayer and to keep praying: convenient, inconvenient, sad, happy -- PRAY. HE's listening. And it was mighty powerful when the communion song was, "Be Not Afraid" -- that's the song I've been singing to myself this past week to rev me up for tomorrow (17 hours 56 mins and counting). **You will cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst!.....Be not afraid, I come before you always; Come follow me and I will give you rest!!!!** And just having Marita there with me....she's my righthand (wo)man, my twin, her Tweedle Dee to my Tweedle Dum. She has such a huge heart too: she bought me one of my (*cough *cough expensive) wigs and the India Arie CD--"It's uplifting!"

Marita, thank you for driving down. I love you. I know you know that. I know we're cousins but you are also my best friend. We go wayyyyyyyyy back I mean dude, I didn't even know I knew you when I was a baby! :) And looking at all those pictures of us from Christmas past, you're a huge focal point in my life. And making all those stupid silly jokes....man my throat is soooooo sore, I'm sooooo parched ---all the talks and all the laughs we crammed into these 60 hours were the bestest and blessed moments I'll remember all my life. **Mother to Jamie,"Oh those two are characters, I tell you," as me and Marita (plus Nicole) laugh hysterically like hyenas over our yesteryears.**

I do feel bad that I had to cancel plans this evening. I was supposed to go to Kristin's cousin's birthday party and then have dinner with that brave Canadian I met last night (and dammit!!! He was going to take me out for more sushi at another top (*cough *cough expensive) sushi restaurant, Sushi Roku.) But, as the hours are winding closer and closer (17 hours 25 mins and counting) I'd really like to spend it with my family. We're all having dinner at my Auntie Elaine's. I do appreciate the reach-out-and-touch someone from Pia, Cherie, Kristine, my boss, Kira, Richelle, and Beverly.

As I conclude this blog: L I T E R A L L Y every second matters. Every second is captured and filtered and processed and experienced and is meaningful. Memories of Xmas past flutter through my mind. I've lived a remarkable life thus far, which is only going to become even more substantial and powerful and immeasurable. One particular memory flashed my thoughts:

I was 7 or 8 years old. All the time my dad came home from work I would always rush over to him, "Daddy! Daddy!" and hug him and kiss him. Anyway, I owned this pop-up book about monsters and one of the monsters was the "Kissing Monster" and when you would open the book, the monster's massive lips would just pop out at you. When my daddy came home one particular evening I ran up to him with my monster pop-up book in tow, opened it up to that kissing monster page and said, "Kiss it kiss it Daddy!" And with know hesitation my dad kissed it, then picked me up and kissed me. That will always be my cherished childhood memory of my father. And I think what will be my most cherished (young) adult memory will be this:

As Marita and I sat and talked in my room she told me that last weekend while in Porterville, she, her dad, and my dad hogged the Karoake mic (go figure!). The three rotated mic time and she said my dad was singing. The song was Bridge Over Troubled Waters and it got to the chorus. "Like a bridge over troubled waters....." Silence. There was no singing. She went outside to see if she can steal the mic since there's no one singing and my dad had stopped singing and was sitting on the couch. "Are you okay, Tito?" She said that he had tears weld in his eyes. "Did you read what Sharon wrote when she was by the Golden Gate? I did not know she was feeling that way..." She told me that the two talked about it in some depth. My dad is a military man. Military men are trained to show no emotion. I was so touched & so moved by that story it brought me to tears. I'm in tears right now!

I know that my blog is intense, candid, bare. I just write what I feel, whether it's happy, humorous, sad, reflective. I'm extremely flattered of those who have bookmarked my blog and added me to your Favorites---I'm the new Perez Hilton! I will do my ABSOLUTE best to keep this as up-to-date as possible. I truly am flattered and in awe of all of you: MY SUPPORT NETWORK! YAY!

As I've said time and time again: I'm going to be strong for me. I'm going to be strong for you. I'm ready for battle. (16 hours and 50 mins and counting) I'm Sharon Lee Albano Andres. Hey cancer, you're messing with the wrong bitch!

Officially Scared

2007-10-16T18:56:00.000-07:00

This morning I got my mediport embedded. Now that was an experience. The doctors went over the procedure and the purpose of a mediport. The mediport has a rubbery center which nurses find to inject me with or draw blood from so that they don't have to keep poking my arm. Plus with chemo it may shrink my veins making it harder to find one.

Well, they made a tiny incision in my neck (a few centimeters from my lymph node incision). They did that to insert a tiny rubber tube. This tiny rubber tube has a catheter on one end and the other is attached to the mediport, something like that. They then made a larger incision in my chest (about a couple inches south of my lymph node incision) to place the mediport. The tube I believe is maneuvered into my jugular vein.

Although they sedated me and numbed up the site with lidocaine, during the procedure I could feel them cutting and tugging and pulling. It was kind of forceful. I'm glad that they had a tent over blocking it all because I would think they were torturing me. To get my mind off of what was going on on the other side of the tent I hummed, "I Wanna Be Sedated" by The Ramones. It didn't really work when you feel what I believe was blood running down your neck. At least when it was done the surgeon/doctor said, "Beautiful," (although when I checked up on the incision, the cut wasn't beautiful. NOT LOOKING FORWARD to that scar AT ALL.) Anyway, the sedation was potent. I literally slept the entire day. I knew that when I would wake up I'd probably be in pain since the numbing medicine would be worn off. And that's exactly what happened. It's a throbbing kind of pain. It looks like my right armpit has swelled up. Plus my dressing had blood through it. So my mom wanted my dad to help me change it.

Now I haven't seen what they did to me since I was all bandaged up. I took a deep breath and started removing the tape to replace the dressing with a fresh one. I started to get scared because this is going to be my world for a long while. Once I finally got it off, I just looked at it. Why do I have to go through with this? What are they doing to me? I look like a Frankenstein! I'm not myself. Who is that person? I don't think my dad can handle it. He insisted that I wait for either my Auntie Lani or Auntie Elaine to come by (they're both nurses). But me & my mom kept saying that the site needs to be clean and dry for 10 days! 10 BLOODY DAYS I can't shower!!!! I am one of those lucky ones who's skinny (dripping with sarcasm) so the mediport pops out of my skin. Because it's tender and swollen it looks like a big juicy pimple. I want to cry and I probably will once I get back home.

Secondly, my company(Ameristar) cannot accommodate me. Since my anniversary date is November 20th and I'm taking personal leave for a month, I am ineligible for FMLA. Reason being is that because I am taking the personal leave it pushes back my anniversary date because while on leave I am not accruing a paycheck, insurance, PTO, 401K, etc etc. So I am scheduled to return back to work Nov 22 no matter what. If I don't return back I am terminated. That is the reason why I pushed my chemo date back to October 22 so I don't loose any PTO days because what we as a department (my boss, etc) are hoping on is that I will be capable to come in to work so that I can keep a payroll going and therefore accrue PTO and use those days to take off for my chemo and once I reach my new anniversary date, hopefully I can start on the FMLA. Obviously I need my job in order to still have insurance. I'm so nervous and so scared shitless. Everyone please keep me in your prayers and thoughts that things work out for me.

A picture of the mediport. It has the diameter of a dime. But as for the height, it's pretty bulbous. As I mentioned earlier, it protrudes out of my skin. Boy am I going to have a ton of badges of courage when this is all said and done.

Me showing that I'm okay--for now. Shoot--who am I KIDDING!!?!? I'm fine for always!

**CAVEAT** Not for the weak stomach. My incision site. If you look at the top tape, that's the incision to insert the tube. If you look closer, you can see the scar from my lymph node biopsy to the left of the tape. Obviously the other incision is where they had to cut me to place in the mediport. The tape is to keep my skin together/hold the sutures in place. They're supposed to fall off on their own. They don't want me to pick any of it off. And right below the incision where it's super pink is where the mediport is.

You can see the mediport popping out. See, it's like a big fat juicy pimple. Now my lymph node scar has a twin.

An ultrasound picture of where the mediport is implanted. It's that big black blob in the middle.

Every mediport is unique so I got a mediport card.

P.S. Don't forget to check out my video clip of me saying so long fair well aved-Dal-seine luscious locks!

"You must fight it. Be strong." ~ Grandma

"What A Wonderful World"

2007-10-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

Ya know, all the time I hear that song I want to puke. But ironically, I am diggin that song. I had a very wonderful week. Started it off getting that bone marrow biopsy---that I enjoy reliving since it makes me think of Team Captain Dr. Galsky or as Riche refers to as Dr. McGorgeous. hahaha

And my Grandma, Tito Bob, and Tita Baby came to visit me after it. Man, did Grandma pull my heartstrings. I was still on the Galsky high than Mamang arrived blazing through the front door, tears streaming down her face, "Ohhhh, Sharon, my anak (child in Filipino)!" And she just held my face and kissed it and hugged me and cried harder looking at my incision scar on my neck. Man, that was rough......

But Tito Bob & Tita Baby were uplifting. They filled me up with positivity, which I needed after the Grandma attack. I showed the video clip of my baby cousin (& inspiration) Aira to my Tito Bob. **Aira is my Uncle Bob's daughter.

Yes, the video clip is doctored but what she said was not. We were at the store and I saw the "Live" plaque and I thought that it would be a good idea for me to buy. Aira wanted to hold it so I gave it to her and she stared at it then looked at me, eyes and face smiling, "L. I. V. E. Live!" I know that her 5 year old mind does not process or understand what's going on with me but that moment was so monumental, so defining, it brought this huge surge all over me. As if I felt this huge rush of energy or something just overtake me. I had to get her to do it again so I could tape it. My uncle believes that God used Aira as an instrument to tell me that I will make it through. I play that clip from time to time.

Tuesday I watched Spamalot and Thursday Le Reve with my cousin Menard, his wife, Samia and her sister, Tania. (There's perks when you have cancer! First it was Thunder from Down Under now these!) It was nice to just get my mind off of it. And joke with them. A lot of good hearty laughs with them. I don't get to see these particular relatives often since they live in Australia. Good timing for them that they get to see me BC-before chemo.

Wednesday and Friday I spent with more of my relatives. Florianne and family drove up from Phoenix, not only to see Menard and family but to see me. We had chinese Weds night and my dad tapped me to show his fortune: Your family is healthy and well. "See," his eyes told me everything's going to be okay.
Friday, I also saw Dr. McGorgeous. My bone marrow came back normal. *Harps strung. Choir clapping. He went over Fox Force 4 (ABVD)'s maneuver tactics to kill those bad bad cancer cells. I will be having chemo twice a month, once in the beginning and again in the middle. In addition to the ABVD, I will be having two more antibiotics administered intraveneously to combat nausea and another orally. 2 treatments equal one cycle. The battle deployment is 4 cycles followed by a PET scan followed by 2 more cycles. (At this point let's use our imagination. Galsky has an army helmet on while he's telling me this, putting the tactics out on a "map" with a stick.) The PET scan is to see if the Fox Force 4 are still badass cancer-kicking babes. If the scans show the growth shrinking than we're winning the war. Than I'll get the scheduled 2 additional treatments. If not than I'll get 4 additional treatments. So I'll definitely be having chemo for 6-8 cycles, assuming no complications.

Now for the complications, my blood is going to be monitored. There's a chance I could get anemic---too low red blood cells. If that happens, I have to get hospitalized. I can't eat sushi. Or pop my zits. Two of my favorite past times. *sigh (It's only temporary! It's only temporary!)

He went on to tell me that he finds that "You're handling this amazingly well," Little does he know that I have a secret crush on him.....that's why I'm doing well! hahaha Actually come to think of it, he probably has some inkling of my infatuation. I've already reached that point where I get all blushy and stuff when I see him and I got him blushing a bit. (I heart my oncologist)

My family even held a prayer for me Friday evening.

I've been okay this week. I've been trying to keep a positive, relentless attitude. 95% I'm in good spirits but the remaining 5% I feel like I'm in an abyss sinking deeper and deeper. I just think of all the great things:

- skipping and marching holding hands with Aira singing "Oh when the Saints come marching in, oh when the saints come marching in!....."

- long conversations with my sister and cousins and stupid "W" jokes

- crazy memories with girlfriends

- the dedication of my parents which unfortunately is only becoming apparent (haha pun not intended but I guess it is) to me now

What a wonderful world I live in. How blessed my life is so far. I really need to slow down and just enjoy the moments that happen. I'm so gotta go---gotta do this---too much living in the future. This week I really focused on the NOW. And enjoyed the NOW.

I will be getting my mediport embedded Tuesday morning. Thursday I start chemo. Chemo oh chemo. And I have my housewarming aka visiting hours party on Friday.

Special thanks:

To Richelle--I got the package! Thank you so much! I LOVE EVERYTHING! The moment I saw Big Ben --- I was like, "OH THIS GIRL KNOWS ME SOOOOOOOO WELL!!!!" Your gift(s) was sooooooo thoughtful. You so know me. I love you girl. I wish I was with you/you with me but I know you're there in spirit. I will sooooo rock those p.js and slippers. I love your gift. I can't say it enough. Thank you so much. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!

To Ate Flo--THANK YOU SO MUCH FROM MY WHOLE HEART on staying over the weekend. It really means A WHOLE LOT that you accompanied me to that ceremonial hair cutting for I DID NOT want to face that alone. Plus, I really wanted to share that moment with someone important to me. I've always viewed you and Elizel as my "other" older sisters and I really appreciate your company this whole week. You have an extremely huge heart and I'm so lucky to have you. THANK YOU & I LOVE YOU!

To Rachel & Big Sis--Thank you for the books. I know that they will give me the strength when I need it most. So far the books have been inspiring and making things light. I appreciate it a lot. It'll keep me busy during chemo!

To Cherie: I adore the angel wings necklace. You're an angel!!!!

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

2007-10-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

Because it is recommended that us cancer babes cut our hair before or once it starts falling out, I decided to be gutsy and totally chop my hair as short as I could muster. Who has hott short hair: Jenny MacCarthy, Rhianna, Audrey Hepburn, Halle Berry circa early 2000, hmmm.....Posh Spice. We're very much alike. High society, self-absorbed. Yup, I want the Posh.

My gal pals joined me for the soiree---my manang Florianne, her daughters: Charmaine & Melanie, and my ading Nicole. We had a "slumber party" at my place the night before pillow fighting, jumping on the bed, braiding each other's hair, writing boys' last names after ours.....

This past week, I went all out with doing my hair since it's going bye-bye for at least 6-8 months. I would just brush it and fling it here and there. While we drove to the salon I wanted to drive my car with the top down. I wanted to experience the wind blow through my nearly 2' long hair. I sure am going to miss it. For females, hair defines you, well, most of us. I know it definitely defines me. I'm known for looking like I walked out a salon. So cutting it let alone loosing it is a huge huge deal. Heart breaking even! Just knowing that I was getting it chopped off at the end of the week, you notice the little things: the way it gently brushed my lower back, the softness of it as I ran my fingers through it, the way it would whip my face as the wind blew, how my ading Aira always "styles" it when I see her.....

I swore I was going to cry. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my hair. LOVE IT. I LOVE IT. I went in there. Hozhoni went in there. Dignified.

The process took about 2 hours. And it wasn't bad at all! It was actually really exciting! Just waiting for the finish product! I felt like I was on America's Next Top Model and I was getting my makeover. **I'm glad that they chopped a lot of the models hair short this season. They only give short hair to the models who are elegant and have a strong face. (teeheehee) And I wouldn't be me without saying this: I LOOKED GOOD! I wish I could have donated my hair but because it's been dyed, tortured, and pulled (hahaha) I couldn't. But ya know what, I'm digging it! It's TOTALLY a different look for me but I like it! I feel very classy, very sophisticated, very regal, very Manhattan Upper East Side, very Posh! I said to Nicole, "I feel like I've aged 5 years," "You still look young!" "I know, but now I really feel my age. Can't say I'm 22 anymore!"

This experience was actually very fun---hmm, just like my bone marrow biopsy! I see a pattern going on here. Let's keep the positive, fun momentum going shall we!

**Disclaimer: I know my blogs seem so sunshiney but TRUST ME---I cried real good that morning I showered for I knew I wouldn't be lathering up my gorgeous locks for a very, very long time.

Hair Cutting Ceremony

2007-10-14T19:16:00.000-07:00

BEFORE

2007-10-14T19:10:00.000-07:00

AFTER

2007-10-14T19:07:00.001-07:00

Victoria Beckham I'm Coming After Your Husband

2007-10-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

Victoria Beckham eat your heart out.....I mean seriously eat something, you're way too skinny.

Words that Inspire Me

2007-10-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

I've compiled words of inspiration from everyone. These words made moved me as I read them and anytime I'm feeling weak I'll read this blog:

from an email questionnaire:
3. Biggest conflict this year?
conflict? i`m not sure. i`ll tell you the worst thing that happened tho was finding out about manang sharon's hodgkins lymphoma.
4. Most depressed time this year?
same as above. & whenever i was always the only one that had a mom that never let me go out. during summer break. UGH. Nicole

Sent that email to/from Michael...just thought it would be encouraging to know that there are TONS of other people who are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers. And their motivation is not cuz of sympathy or obligation (to you or me)...but their motivation is love.Ilana, everyday we work together, asks how you are doing. And she was the one who wanted to call you yesterday. I showed your blog to Claudia, another friend, and she felt compassion, crying when seeing your pix. And before I left work, two close coworkers talked with me, knowing what you're going thru now...and we (Urania, Robert and me) cried together.You're dearly loved by many. They admire your strength and ability to find humor in such a dire situation. But, remember God's promises. Find hope in Him and in Him utmost.I love you.See you soon, Antonette

I was thinking about your sister today and I wasreminded of some good words ofencouargement:"Cancer can take away all my physical ability. It cannot touch my mind; itcannot touch my heart; and it cannot touch my soul. And those three thingsare going to carry on forever. Don't give up, don't ever give up."That was the end of Jim Valvano's speech when he won the Arthur Ashe Awardfor Courage during ESPN's annual ESPY show. He died shortly thereafter, buthis organization and his words will live on long past my time. Help yoursister to remember: that which matters most, that which cannot be taken hasbeen given by God. Sometimes, we experience unbearable pain which comeswith great loss. Just remember that her heart and sould will never betaken.....they are a sacred gift from God, forever paid for by his Son,Jesus Christ. They are hers to give, and Jesus will never let her down. Iremember her, and your family in my prayers...better times are to come. Godbless and take care. Burbridge, Michael J. (A1C)

You know I have been typing eveything I can think of to have it come out the right way, finding out, there is no great way to talk about it. My heart goes out to you and cannot even imagine what you are going through. You have been on my mind for quite sometime and I was shuttered by reading your page. I am so happy to see that you have applied that amazing and charasmatic personality of yours right into the worst thing that anyone could deal with. You are living proof life is too short and nothing will stand in your way of enjoying it. You are such a strong human being for such a little dainty girl! I admire your strength and confidence. I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and eventhough I am not there, I am holding your hand. People come into each others lives for many reasons, some unknown, some for a short time....you taught me how to live life to the fullest on any account, laugh the loudest and not care who hears and most importantly....keep the ones closest to you that support you in any situation no matter what. I know this may be too late to bring up now and am ashamed of my behavior, but am truly sorry for ever hurting or offending you. I've missed you since you left HQ and you have always been in my thoughts. I have never met anyone as extraordinary as you and wish there were more people in the world like Manang Sharon Lee Andres! Love ya girl...hang in there! Misty

Sharon,I am speechless...I just found out what you've been going through and I really don't know what to say except that you amaze me. You truely are a model and hero to the rest of us. Your positive attitude and grace through this experience is so impressive and inspiring. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and if there is ANYTHING I can do for you please do not hesitate to call me. Even if you just want someone to hang out with you...please know you can always ask. I sincerely hope that things are getting better for you and that you are kicking all those bad blood cells asses!!! You are very loved by me and a lot of other people. Hang in there and call me whenever you are up to it.All my love,Kimberly

Hi Sharon....it's me Alysia. Weren't able to visit while I was up there in VEGAS. Joanne told me that you had a myspace so I looked you up and found you. Gosh it's been so long. Looking through your pictures makes me wanna party with you sometime.....I'll let you know when we willbe in vegas again so hopefully we can meet up ok. Well just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you. My faith and prayers are with you always. I'm glad myspace is here so now I get to stay in touch with you. Say hello to your sister for me...maybe I could get an email of hers since she has no myspace. Well you take care of yourself... be STRONG and like that picture you took always BELIEVE!!! keep in touch!!! Sending you love all the way from HAWAII=) Alysia

Hi Sharon, it's Abe. I just want to let you know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. I hope all is well. Live strong girl.Regards, Abe Coloma

Hey Ms. Sheron Andres. I don't know if you remember me, this is Joe Brunner. I am Ro and Ray's friend back in Fort Ord. I knew you and your sister Antoinette. You were the same grade as my brother Steven. I found you when I added Raymond. I been reading your website and I'm shocked to hear you are diagnosed w/ cancer. You are in my prayers. Let me know how you been and share some of you wild and crazy adventures of what you have seen and done. What I have remembered about you back in da day was that you was always SMILIING. Keep in touch..

Sharon -- love yah, too, awesome lady! You're such a strong person. You're one to admire. My prayers are always with you. Your pool side, champagne party still awaits you here in Phoenix! And Antonette, you're one magnificent sister! Wish I was there at the Lights parade. You're such a blessing, I look forward to seeing you also, hopefully very soon. Florianne

I really dont know what to say and how to react....but i i want you to know that we have been praying a lot for your speedy recovery and that we love you ....anyway, i read your blog and i just cant imagine what you are going through....but you still look great!!!! always remember Cancer is just a word,you are getting the best medical attention and you have "US" your family and relatives who are praying for you...Anyway Jahred's next lab.tests will be on Nov 8. i hope everything will be okey He is just 3 and he is going through the "needles" and all......... Oh did i say i cried a river after reading your blog? i just cant stop crying you know and i just started missing everyone....I remembered papang ....Anyways,you take care and be brave!!!! we love you.love, manang genevieve ,wilmar and Jahred

A special quote from my bestest homie: In the depth of winter I learned that there within me lay an invincible summer. ~ Albert Camus Alvie

I will definitely be here for you - be strong and fight it! If you ever need to talk it out or anything, let me know! And don't let work get to you and break down your system more - it needs to go 100% to fighting the cancer! Good luck and I'll be with you in spirit as you go through the treatments! Kristine

I just wanted you to know that I am here for you and I hope you know that. Since middle school through now, I am soo glad that we kept in touch. Always remember to be strong and keep the faith. Just leave it all to HIM and He will take care or you. The power of prayers is really strong. Love you girl and I am sure this is just another challenge that you will definitely beat. Gladys

But PLEASE always remember I am here for you. I know you can overcome this. You are a very strong woman. And just keep the faith in HIM and never ever loose hope.Shar, I know a few cancer survivors so I know you're going to be one of them, no doubt. Just always keep in touch and update me on your progress. Gladys

My beautiful friend Sharon, I am so sorry to read of your news. I know you will get through this and you will be strong. What type of cancer were you diagnosed with and what symptoms did you have before you found out? Know that you have people that care about you. I hope I can come see you soon. Love ya and will be thinking tons of positive thoughts for you...I will be your Seattle support!! YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL!!! Cherie

you are truly a STRONG woman!! I can't imagine how or what you feel going through this. I will always keep you in my prayers. I mentioned to Anthony what you are going through, and he too will keep you in his prayers as well.
I DO want to go to your house-warming, kick cancer to the curb party... and I'm really trying to make it happen. However if I can't, would I be able to visit you sometime late October or early November? I know you'll probably be fully under chemo, but I DO want to be there for you in any way!
It's truly crazy and amazing how God works. It's very unfortunate that this has to happen to you, but if it's anyone who can shed light on a situation such as cancer it's you... ViVacious Vegas Vixen! =) I believe that God is using you to open people's eyes about cancer, and about valuing life.
Again you will always be in my prayers!! Please let me know how I can be of any help in any way!!!
Lubs ya chicka!! Lorgen

after reading your blog... girl you can't imagine the tears that filled my eyes. I wish there was something I can do to help remove the hurt you feel!!!

I hope you don't mind, but I did send out an email to several of my friends about your situation, and all my friends prayers are with you! They all (even though you may not know them all) send they best wishes and deepest regards. They will continually keep you and the ones you love in their prayers and hope for a speedy recovery once all is said and done.

Your life is in God's hands and I'm sure he will giveth what he seems fit. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you (despite being a few hundred miles away). Call me any day and time if you need to chat. Look forward to seeing you soon! Lorgen

wish i could saysomething that would make u feel better in some way but as it turns out ijust feel shocked to hear this info. i want u to know that although wecannot be there physically with u that we'll always be praying for bestresults in ur treatments & ur speedy recovery.....stay positive, i guess idont really need to say that since you've always been one.......we miss uheaps & we hope 2 see u soon.......~~kaye~~

Have been and will be thinking of you. Circumstance such as yours puts life in a whole new perspective. You're a strong person and know you can get through this. Evan

you truly are to be admired with your continued positive spirit/attitude throughout this turn of events. i guess that's really the only thing to do/and outlook to have at times such as this. my continued prayers and thoughts are with you. Pia

i think this blog you're doing is great! although its main purpose is to keep us all updated on your progress...i'm sure there are readers outside of your circle who will stumble upon your writing and draw so much inspiration from it. you're making your mark in this world (not that you didn't already before!), and i'm completely in awe of your fighting spirit. i've always known you to be a fighter, and i believe you will be victorious in this battle. granted, you will have some yucky days ahead, we'll be there for you to help you through them. i only wish i could be more physically present for you during all this. =/. Pia

hey girlie! positive spirits and positive energy flowing from me toyou! i know you'll be so strong. you have that innate strength thatwill totally get you through this. ooh, i just thought of that beyoncesong just now...I'M A SURVIVOR! keep rockin on, you've gotten throughso many obstacles in your life and you'll totally beat this too. youknow, your new outlook on life is good for us (your friends andfamily) b/c your inspiration allows US to view life differently aswell. so thank you for that. love ya. Richelle

Hey Big sis, Glad to hear it. Like I have said before.....you'll get through it all....i know it. Don't ever think negative about it, because when you do, that's when things go bad. SO THINK POSITIVE!!! you will make it manang!!! we all know you will!! give me a call anytime if you wanna talk. remember to think positive manang!! all will be well. I love you! Nolan

This blog should be published into a book. Btw, I appreciate the diction and detail that eludes vibrancy of the moment. Beverly

Thank you for sharing your website. I'm always interested in knowing how you're doing -- what your thoughts and feelings are. Sorry, I can't be there for you physically, but know that I (actually all of us -- your family and friends) are always thinking and praying for you. I am always here for you whenever you want to talk. You take care.Much Love, Elizel

Hi Sharon,
Happy New Year!
Elizel pointed me at your blog the other day. While Ihaven't read all of it, I've read a fair bit of yourmost recent entries.
I came away very impressed with your courage to postyour experiences publicly and the great sense of hopeyou have developed while fighting your cancer. Ifound your writing style, combined with your content,to be extremely witty and inspirational.
While I cannot imagine your experiences first hand,cancer had stuck close to me when I lost a father tocancer 8 years ago (non-hodgkins lymphoma). I reallywish you the best in _beating_ the cancer intoremission and will keep you in my prayers.
Good luck with all things you hope for in this newyear!
Take care, John Marecki

Manang Sharon!!!! When I checked my email I was happy to see an email from you and as I read I became more and more speechless. I just wish I was there to physically be there for you...but you know that you'll be in my prayers always. I know you'll get through this. You're a strong woman with the right attitude. Nothing can stop you. After everything I think you should treat yourself to a relaxing vacation in HAWAII!!! :)....I know we haven't spoken in so long and i thank you for sharing your blog with me. Its very much appreciated :)...I love the little details you put in especially ones to make others smile...I love you manang! my big sis you'll be fine...you've got a big support system behind you....:)...take care always! && keep me updated..i'll be reading your blog everyday to see how you are doing...I LOVE YOU SIS!!!! :) LOVE,your lil sis....:) Erin

Hi Ading Sharon, long time no talk or even email . . . man you'd think that with all this modern technology we wouldn't have an excuse. My lousy excuse . . . to damn busy with work and whatever comes my way . . . but never too busy to at least keep you in my prayers - can never forget about family, love them no matter what or distance that separates us. Anyways, I finally found out about your cancer. Mom told me last Saturday, wierd because I go to the house every weekend and she hadn't mentioned it until then. She didn't go into much detail. I love you and if there is anything that I can do, you let me know. You're strong - gotta love that about us Andres girls - we are STRONG SURVIVORS!!! YOU GO GIRL! We get thrown with so much infront of us and we manage to make it through. I totally love your page and the positiveness. You can beat this and you have the right attitude. I admire you for that. Love always,Manang Myla

be strong, have faith and absolutely, BELIEVE! we will all be praying for you. i have a special prayer just for you.PRAYER TO ST. PEREGRINEPatron Against CancerO God, who gave to Saint Peregrine an Angel for his companion, the Mother of God for his Teacher, and Jesus as the Physician of his malady, grant we beseech You through his merits that we may on earth intensely love our holy Angel, the blessed Virgin Mary, and our Saviour, and in Him bless them forever. Grant that we may receive the favor which we now petition. We ask this through the same Christ our Lord. Amen(say seven Our Fathers, seven Hail Marys and seven Glory be to the Fathers with the invocation, St.Peregrine, pray for us.)we all love you!cousin mary and the whole family
what happened? what caused this to happen to you? i have so many questions? i read your blog and to be truthful...it broke my heart! my eyes are flooding at this moment...God had thrown me & the kids a curve ball already, and let me tell you what a test is was for me! as much trouble as i was, and how i had forgotten about my faith in God. When Eric past away, I fell to my knees, pounded the floor with rage! Screaming at God..."Why did you take him, how could you take my kids father away from them?" i had so much pain in my heart, it made me sick to my stomach. so i cried myself to sleep. the next morning was like a rebirth for me. i literally felt lifted. then i said to myself "God is a good God, there's a reason for this to happen." Since then i always feel that there's a Holy Spirit that guides me and protects me. I've learned to accept the way that God plans our lives, and accept the life that we are destined to have. Believing, and having faith is strength to be able to overcome any obstacle.and this my dear cousin, I BELIEVE you have!~Mary~

My Wonderful Bone Marrow Biopsy

2007-10-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

**Pictures: My PET scan, my puncture site, my bone marrow

1:47pm - My P&M come and pick me up from Chateau Sharon.

1:48pm - Mom tells me that I was all the rage when she came into work this morning. "Tessie, your daughter is so beautiful!" "Tessie, I was wondering who that pretty, young lady was & I found out that that was your daughter! She's so pretty!" "OMG Tessie, I loved your daughter's hair! And her dress, where did she get it! And her gloves! And her shoes! Oh, she looked so gorgeous and classic!" "Man, your daughter can dance!" "And she doesn't have a boyfriend?!?!" Mission accomplished (please refer to last blog). **Note: it felt good not only for my esteem because I know that I will undergo a lot of physical changes but I felt good to know that my mom was proud.

2:15pm - I arrived at Comprehensive Cancer Center of Nevada (CCCN).

2:30pm - "Sharon Andres!" I get called in. I felt like I was marching into a torture chamber. I did not hear any positive stories about bone marrow biopsies. I've heard on a scale from 1-10 on pain....it's an 11. I looked at my parents. "You'll be fine," they both told me as they tried to muster up smiles although I can see it in their eyes that they were fearful of their little girl. I gave a limp wave bye and held back that trigger that forms tears because I wanted to be strong in front of them. (I succeeded.)

2:32pm - They took my stats. Everything healthy. Weight still consistent. (One of the symptoms of HL is weight loss).

2:34pm - Dr. Matthew Galsky (Team Captain of my Cancer Team) comes into my examination room. (He's so dreamy, which makes coming to CCCN a much more pleasurable experience). He tells me that they've already received the results from my CAT & PET scans and would like to go over them with me and my parents.

2:37pm - Parents arrive in the room. In typical Filipino fashion, "Hello, Doctor. I am Rudy her father. Thank you so much for taking my daughter, Doctor. We appreciate it,"

2:38pm - Dr. Galsky goes over my results. "Your blood work is fine. Your organs are functioning properly. Your white blood cell count is normal. Everything is good. As you know CAT scans take pictures of your organs. PET scans show which cells are consuming the most sugar (Note: cancers are rapidly dividing cells which is why they form tumors. In theory, where there's a high sugar consumption in the body it is presumably cancer cells, at least that's how I understood it.) By combining both the CAT & PET scans we were able to see where the cancer may be located. There is a lot of area where you had your lymph node removed (right of neck). We also found evidence of it by your retro peritoneal, areas behind your abdomen and perineum. Because, as I'm sure you've probably read up on, this is considered Stage III since it is found both above and below the diaphragm. (Although it is Stage III, I was much relieved. There was no way I wanted to be Stage IV because that would mean that it had spread to my organs.) Treatment would be a series of chemotherapy. There are factors that we also look into. Because of your test, your age, and your overall health the prognosis is curative (aka CURABLE! I hear the choir singing)" " But what about radiation?" "Based on the size of the cancer growth, radiation will only be used if necessary after giving treatment. Radiation is more for localized tumors. So for now we will only be giving chemo. And with chemo, we use "mediports". Mediports are a soft permeable dime size diaphragm which is used to administer the chemo," "Are they surgically placed?" "(nod of head) Yes, it is surgically placed with local anesthesia. It is placed in the chest (pointing at where it would go). We prefer to use mediports versus IVs because it eliminates risk of contaminating patients' skin. If the chemo were to touch the skin, it's very caustic and we don't want that to happen. (Chemo is basically toxins. Oh, the irony. Plus I've heard it's just easier to give chemo that way and it cuts the appointment time in half). Plus we don't want to have to keep sticking you with an IV every time you come in." "Can you like see it through the skin? (scowl on my face)" "Well, for the most part no, but it depends on how skinny the patient is." Fabulous, I'm like a Girl Scout earning a patch for my sash. "And it gets removed after treatment right? (Raised right eyebrow)" "(nod of head) Yes. (Looks to parents) Do you have any questions you'd like to ask?" In true Filipino fashion, "(smile) No Doctor. We have full confidence in you," "Alright then, well, I'll get one of the nurses to escort you back to the waiting room while we prepare for the bone marrow biopsy." "Thank you again, Doctor. (Looks at me) Don't be afraid. Your doctor is great and you are in good hands," (Pats my thigh, then my arm, then my head) "She's so scared, Doctor. Please take care of her" (pats my hand) Speak for yourself too, Mom.

3:20pm - Dr. Galsky explains the procedure over to me again. I am to lie down on my side, pelvis perpendicular to the bed/parallel to the wall, my buttock facing him (*Wolf head, eyes shooting out, heart shaped pupils, tongue rolling to the ground, "Hey, hey, hey, what's chur name!!!"). He will inject several shots of Novocaine to the right back of my pelvis. Once the area gets numb, he will use another needle to puncture me with then insert another needle into that needle to extrapolate my bone marrow. This will need to be done twice. (I saw the needle. It was probably 6''-8'' long.)

3:22pm - "Okay go ahead and drop your pants to hang low enough and go ahead and lie on the bed while I prepare," Thought you'd never ask, Doctor! *Note: He said that as he was taking off his jacket and tucking his tie into his button-up shirt. For a split moment I felt like a Thai hooker.

3:23-3:31pm - Superficial banter to kill the silence. FYI: He's married. Go figure. The handsome, tall, smart doctors I can't snare! (DAMN YOU MIKE LEEDOM!!!!!!!) He applies pressure all around the area, I'm assuming to find a perfect spot to stick me. It felt like I was at the spa getting a massage.

3:32pm - Nurse assistant comes in. Novocaine injected. More banter with the nurse.

3:37pm - Novocaine spread throughout. Continued banter with Dr. Galsky and the nurse, got a few hearty laughs out of them until, "Hey, ow!" "Sorry, hold on. I'll get more Novocaine."

You literally can feel something getting "vacuumed" out of you. Although he was removing from my hip bone it felt like it was getting removed originating from my inner thigh. And no it's not because he makes me warm inside.

After that, I didn't feel any pain, just the motions. The sound was so weird. Sounded like filing a nail. And there was no way I was turning around to see what was going on but it felt like I was getting my back engraved. I can envision him with a pick and hammer chiseling away: Cancer Glamazon. Or perhaps Galsky was here. Anyway, to quell my thoughts of what was being done to me, my perverse thoughts were thinking unholy things while he was tap tap taping away but I'll draw the curtain down so I don't offend Mom, Dad, Titos, Titas, Antonette.....for you freaks (Marita, Richelle, Alvie) I'll take a break for you to catch your breath.

3:47pm - "One more to go. Are you okay?" "Never better!"

3:55pm - "And we're done," I feel what I am going to guess as blood stream down my back. (GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!) He cleans me up and tells me that I need to lie on my back for a half hour.

3:59pm - Shooting the breeze with the nurse some more. "Keep your head up, Girl. From what I know of you so far, you're going to laugh your way through this. You're going to make it through," Thank you sistah, thank you.

4:06pm- Mom and Dad come in the room relieved that I'm just chillaxin and in smiles. "How are you feeling," "I feel great. Doesn't hurt!" "Wait until the Novocaine wears off," Dad comes by and with one hand holds my arm and with the other pats my forehead. "You're okay,"

4:25pm - Dr. Galsky collects us and we are brought to another room to view my CAT and PET scans.

**I can anticipate starting chemo next week. Dr. Galsky still wants to run more tests on me. I'll be having a MUGA scan as well as a pulmonary function. I have another appointment scheduled this Friday. I'm anticipating going in earlier though for my scan.

It all makes sense

2007-10-07T14:42:00.000-07:00

October 7, 2007 - During this past summer, I definitely hit a tough point in life (easier said considering what I'm going through now). Anyway, I was questioning EVERYTHING about my life. To be forthcoming: I HATED my life. I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing professionally. I didn't like being away so many weeks out of the month, nor was this a career I sought out. I didn't know if my friends were real friends. Were they just a bunch of great looking girls who just liked to get dressed up and look pretty with me? Will they really be there for me when I really truly need them? I did not feel that sense of connection. The guy I was dating at the time---he doesn't give a flying tststse fly turd about me. He's there for me when things are great or great for him. And I just felt like cellophane with the family. A wallflower. A background relative, one pushed over to the side time and time again. I just felt so down, so N O T H I N G so invisible. It was on my trip to The Bay area for my good friend's wedding where, on August 10, 2007, I sat on the cliff by the Golden Gate. I watched the Pacific Ocean waves crash and I said, "Sharon, if you really want to end it now, if you really feel that your life is nothing, that there's no substance to it, that it's meaningless--jump. Get up from this stump and run off the cliff." I sat there bawling and just praying to God to give some ease, some direction, something comforting. I cried to Him that I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate everything. A month later, September 11, 2007----my life has totally changed. Flipped upside down turned inside out.

Traveling down this arduous road I'm currently on, I now know that my life does have meaning. I didn't love myself. Now I know I won't let erroneous, superficial things get to me. I'm better than that. I'm worth so much more than that. I've always thought that but NOW I believe that.

God is listening to our prayers. He may not be responding in the way we want, but He is listening.

It was comforting speaking to my Uncle Nonoy this afternoon for he too is suffering from cancer and he is well on his way to recovery. He told me that everyone knows that I'm energetic and a lively person and that God has more things in store for me. I will basically see this through. As long as I keep a healthy mental outlook on this and that I don't consume myself with this. Have faith in the loyalty of friends, family and total trust in God I will overcome this.

"Write down the vision clearly upon the tablets, so that one can read it readily. For the vision still has its time, presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint;
If it delays, wait for it, it will surely come, it will not be late. The rash one has no integrity, but the just one, because of his faith, shall live."

Dignity

2007-10-07T03:09:00.000-07:00

Because I didn't want to endure ANOTHER night alone I went with my mom to her coworker/friend's 50th birthday party. It was a formal affair and knowing that this will be my last time as B.C. (before cancer/before chemo) Sharon I decided to go all out. I put on one of my nicest dresses, wore my black gloves, had my hair meticulously done. I would have made Audrey Hepburn proud. And just like her Eliza Doolittle character I dawned a brave face at the party. My mom informed me that a few people know about my disease. I carried myself well and enjoyed myself as much as I could even though my thoughts are consumed with fighting for the Joie de Vivre. They gave away bubbles and of course I was being silly blowing them and just enjoying every second of it, giggling like a child. And a gentleman next to me smiled and said, "Wow, you're just having a blast right now!" And I thought, "Yes, I am having a blast. It's the little things in life that eventually mean the most...."

Everyone told me or my mom that I was beautiful....gorgeous even. I didn't take it as them complimenting my exterior but more so my soul. I want to leave good lasting impressions on people. If I can just make everyone I meet smile, then I know I did just that.

Bleeping Mad

2007-10-07T02:56:00.000-07:00

October 5, 2007 - Roller coaster of emotions again. I was just so angry with feelings. I received phone calls from two Hodgkin survivors. I hooked up with them through The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. It was encouraging and enpowering speaking with them. To speak with someone who went through it and survived it was truly uplifting. I'm going to triumph, overcome, SURVIVE. "Your life is worth it. Think about all the things you have to look forward to after treatment." I felt like I was in a sorority.

Yet on the flipside, when I was done talking with the two, I felt so alone. A flippin Friday night and I'm f'ing home ALONE....with Joie de Vivre!!!! I was so pissed off because I had no one to turn to. I had no one to call. I had no one to keep me company. That's all I wanted. Company. I didn't want to talk cancer, I didn't want to have a woe-is-me party. I just wanted company. I attempted to contact friends far away but no luck--all voicemail. I attempted to contact local friends. No luck either. We live in Vegas---of course they'd rather be out partying, getting drunk and laid. I was just so upset and I wished that I had my true friends and my sister and cousins there. Why am I alone? This is going to be an even tougher struggle then I've envision.

CT and PET scans

2007-10-07T02:40:00.000-07:00

October 4 2007: I had to down two bottles of barium within 30 mins an hour before my appointment. I arrive at Comprehensive Cancer Center of Nevada to get my scans squared away. With these scans my cancer team will see what stage I'm in.

It was just one of the coolest experiences. It felt so sci-fi. I had to lay down on a "bed" and it moved in and out of a tube. As I moved in and out of the tube the images were being transported to a computer. Composing it obviously. I even had an IV attached to me and it looked like a gun Stitch would have from Lilo n Stitch. The IV moved back and forth with me as the bed shifted in and out of the tube.

When I got my PET scan I was strapped into the bed. They injected me with iodine and some radioactive shit. I thought that was super cool. I was radioactive for 6 hours! And it made me really feel all superhero too. Anyway, my entire body was scanned in 7 minute increments, starting with my feet. Again the bed was being moved into a much smaller tube and it will end once my entire body is inside the tube. I fell asleep by the time it was by my thighs.

This whole experience is just so fascinating to me though. All the things that my body is going through and will go through.....it fascinates me how technology works with medicine. It fascinates me what chemo does and the reasons for side-effects. It's like a huge science class.....unfortunately I'm Exhibit A.

Speaking of Exhibit A, I get my bone marrow biospy Monday. Not looking forward to it AT ALL. Ive heard it's extremely painful.

The Birth of Hozhoni

2007-10-07T02:19:00.000-07:00

To make light of my situation and this is my coping mechanism, I've give rise to Hozhoni: The Cancer Glamazon. She's my superhero alter-ego. She's the one fighting this battle for me. Hozhoni means "walk in beauty". Hozhoni walks in beauty like the night. She's a warrior. Not afraid, her mentality is to kill. Kill evil cancer cells. I'm assuming I'm going to be getting ABVD, a drug regimen used to treat Hodgkin lymphoma patients. ABVD is the Fox Force Four, trained in excellency, they fight and fend and honor their Mighty Leader Hozhoni. And I just hate the word CANCER. It's going to be all I live, eat, breathe, sweat, sleep for who knows how long--let's pray for a year MAX. I prefer to call this Joie de Vivre. Hozhoni's Joie de Vivre. For those who don't know French, it means life force. Plus I want to live in France or at least visit it one day. Joie de Vivre...I'll be skipping through the streets of Paris saying Joie de Vivre.

Acceptance?

2007-10-07T01:48:00.000-07:00

September 25, 2007 - Before I went to bed, I stared off into the Omaha skyline.....this isn't really happening to me is it? This is all some twisted nightmare right? I'm going to wake up soon, yes? Please, wake me up! I don't want to do this! I don't want to believe this! Another night bawling myself to sleep.

September 26, 2007 - I stared at myself starck naked. I looked at myself from head to toe, magnifying every inch of myself through the mirror. "This is me. This is me before treatment. Take a good look at yourself now, Babydoll, because you may never look like this ever again," Is this why I'm going through this? I'm in such a self-absorbed world...is this some form of punishment? I choose not to see it as punishment but as a lesson being taught. My dear good friend, Alvie said, "Sharon you know I think you're beautiful. I tell you that all the time. Everyone knows you're beautiful on the outside. Now it's time for you to show that you're also beautiful on the inside." I find that I do live a rather superficial life. My life HAS to be so neatly tied up in a big pink bow. And you know, nothing's perfect. I strive for the perfect hair, the perfect teeth, the perfect skin, the perfect outfit, the perfect man, the perfect career, the perfect friends. Is marrying a 6' tall white guy really that important? Is having picture perfect girlfriends really picture perfect?

I'll have to admit though that image is very much a part of me. It's who I am. Miss Sharon Glamazon Diva Extraordinaire. Everyone's Vivacious Vegas Vixen, a name that was branded to me years ago that I so lovingly accepted. That I don't think I can change. I care about presentation and I very much enjoy style. Its what I live for. I pulled my hair back as tight as I could envisioning myself bald. As Beverly said, "Sharon I already know you're going to be: I'm making bald beautiful!" Someone so self-centered as myself, could be so insecure. Is this where I hide behind all this glitz and glamour? My life isn't truly that glamourous. Some people vy to be me. They envy me. They live vicariously through me. Perpetual single, life of the party, show stopper, head turner. You know, it's great, it's a WHOLE lot of fun, but deep down I just want to be loved. I want to love someone in return. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel connected with my friends. Going through this, what I thought was my inner circle was really just like my lifestyle. A farce. Imagination. A pretty picture up on the wall. No substance. People's true colors are already seeping through.

September 28, 2007 - I tried on every single hat and scarf that I own. Hell yeah I'm going to be rocking it. Hell yeah I could pull this off. Hell yeah I'm going to make bald beautiful.

Urgency for Knowledge

2007-10-07T01:35:00.000-07:00

September 23, 2007 - I rush to the library the moment it opened and checked out numerous books. I didn't even sleep on my plane ride to Omaha. (I ALWAYS knock out on my business flights.) I read read read. Read as much as I could. I read all week. Hodgkin lymphoma overload.

While I took a breather from all the literature I looked at a map to see what was interesting to check out around town. I zero in on the Cancer Survivor's Park. September 24, 2007 - I visit the park and get inspired. I attached images of plaques that were moving to me. I plan on framing these as soon as I find I decent frame. From day one I always believed that I will survive. After leaving that park I know I will survive. I won't let this take me. I've made up my mind. And I want to live.

Overwhelmed

2007-10-07T01:22:00.000-07:00

September 22, 2007 - I tried to maintain my composure as I sat during church. But the moment the choir sang about God being there over "your sickness" I lost it. I completely lost it. I ran to my mother and laid my head next to her bawling. She tried to be strong for both of us as she stroked my hair and told me that I was going to be alright. I break the news to my family. I fought back more tears as they all gathered around me. It was such an uncomfortable feeling, having all eyes on you. I didn't want to tell them bad news. Who wants to hear bad news. As I began to speak tears came streaming down my face as my family looked at me with such intensity. Looking back at their sadden faces as they hung to every word I spoke made me even more emotional. I felt horrible. I looked at all my aunts faces, they too had tears streaming down their faces. I look at my mom and grandma as they cried as well. It just pained me to see them like that. Yet even though it was such a tragic moment it was still uplifting because when I was done speaking one by one my aunts, uncles, grandma, and mom all hugged me and told me that they love me and that they'll be there to support me.

Later on that evening, the funny thing about it all is that I go to one of those male revue shows: Thunder From Down Under. As I sat there, I thought, "Here's this hott beefy Aussie shaking his goods in front of me but dammit, I have cancer."

9/11 Has New Meaning

2007-10-07T01:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a roller coaster of emotions since my what-was-supposed-to-be a regular physical examination on September 11, 2007. I was going in for my general physical & in addition I wanted my physician to check out this lump in my neck. He wanted me to see a surgeon right away and as soon as I got dressed I was off in another doctor's office. As I lied on that bed, the surgeon squishing my neck mass, he says, "I don't like the feel of this lump. Nor do I like the size of it. How long have you had this?" "Well, to my knowledge, I've been aware of it since July 1st." "That's over 8 weeks. We have to get that out. We have to remove it. Tomorrow morning." September 12, 2007 - I'm there having surgery to remove the neck mass. I'm being light-hearted about the whole situation. For those of you that know me WELL , this isn't the first medical scare I've had. But deep down inside of me I had this feeling of uneasiness. I didn't feel good about it. I didn't think I was going to dodge the bullet this time. September 12-18, 2007 - I tried to keep a sense of normalness. It was guttwrenching waiting for the biospy results. I go in to see the surgeon only for him to tell me that the preliminary tests still has not concluded what it is and that I'll have to wait until Friday to get my results. September 21, 2007 - I get a call from my surgeon. "Sharon I have the results. It's Hodgkin lymphoma........" everything after that became static. Now if knowledge serves me anything, Hodgkin is a cancer. I HAVE CANCER! Did I just get told what I think I heard?!?! I felt like I was falling into a deep dark abyss. Right away I called my network breaking the news. I was a blubbering fool. I could not contain myself. I felt so alone. So helpless. So scared.